A Quickie....

Just a few quick notes with a promise for a BIG blog on November 1 to kick off NaBloPoMo this year. There's something really big that I can't wait to share with you after November 1, but for now, it's shhhhhhh.

I have now gone from my regular chaotic state of being into super-hyper-overdrive. I must find a job. This week. Or next. Period.

It was good to see Ms. Babble last weekend -- she seemed different. Enlightened. That was definitely the highlight of my week.

I'll oddly be missing out on shlepping the kiddos around for trick-or-treating, because of the super-top-secret event that I'm participating in on Saturday. I promise to blog it up afterward. I love Halloween. The Nurse has got all of the shlepping responsibilities covered this year, so how will I celebrate? Maybe I'll just pilfer the good candy from the bowls when I get home...

After dealing with a host of assholes this week, I feel the need to post the advice my dad gave me when I was 12 as a personal motto: Illigitimati non carborundum est.

Push and pull

"I don't know how to be my best self in this type of a relationship. We're just so enmeshed...."
That word again. Enmeshed. Of course it sent me back reeling because I have certainly heard it before. M used that word when she was being nice. When she wasn't being nice, she'd call me an 'energy whore.' We tried to find that balance by maintaining a long-distance arrangement that involved other lovers — which I learned to tolerate quite well. I taught myself to stay detached emotionally but hung on to what I still consider the ideal situation: a close one-on-one relationship, a true partnership. I'll deny it if you ask me if I believe in soulmates, but if you've read this blog from the beginning, you know that would be untrue.

So is it any surprise that the combination of my high expectations and emotional intensity has overwhelmed The Nurse? Not a surprise to me. I have not yet found the balance between suffocating my lover and completely walking away. I have learned to be more understanding and to resist the urge to see things in such black and white terms. I have learned that there is a middle ground between rejection and being overwhelmed, even if I haven't found it. I can acknowledge that a healthy person needs their own space, their own interests, their own friends. Maybe I should have pushed more for both of us to keep these things as I willfully cast them aside, one by one. I used to dance, I used to meet my friends regularly, take better physical care of myself, go to Pilates class. The Nurse has let as many or more things fall by the wayside as well. Enmeshed.

I was warned by my last two lovers that all of my relationships were doomed to fail because of this dynamic. When loving me becomes a sacrifice of your very self, you have no choice but to push back. And when you push, I run fast and far. This is the self-defeating pattern that has emerged in all of my relationships — guaranteeing abandonment from every love.

The question for The Nurse and I — is it too late? Can we each find the balance and reclaim self without pushing each other away? Can I resist the urge to push as she pulls away?

Desiderata

After smudging myself and my house today (thanks bro, for the limitless supply of sage), I'm trying to take in the wisdom of this poem that my mom directed me to today. We're a family that struggles with depression and, um, shall we say, "issues." Anyway, if I try to digest each line of this poem every day, then I'll have my work cut out for me. Peace.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-- written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s

shame

I remember hearing at a retreat once a talk about shame. "Shame," we were told, "is the most utterly useless emotion. And the most destructive."
I walk the line each day knowing that it is only our loving God who can truly forgive and love us unconditionally. And I try to believe that I am loved, I am forgiven. But few things in my life really exemplify that. I guess that is the ultimate point of the plea: forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.
If I'm going to purgatory, I'm fairly certain that what I'll be punished for (or cleansed of?) is the long list of the things that I refuse to forgive about myself. The things that I am ashamed of. But we don't really wait for purgatory, do we. We punish each other and we punish ourselves everyday. We build walls, carry resentments, lash out...the list is long of our human failings.
How can we accept love in the weight of such overwhelming odds? How can we extend forgiveness, particularly to ourselves, when our culture does not embrace forgiveness? I can hear them chanting in my head now, "crucify him, crucify him."
Sorry if this is kind of rambling. Just my state of mind today.

Not neighborly...

Early this morning I was sitting on my lovely balcony, enjoying the start of an unusually summerlike autumn Sunday when I noticed one of my neighbors walking by. I got ready to send down a neighborly "good morning," when I noticed he was muttering to himself. Not the type to interrupt someone fully engaged in talking to himself, I stepped back just as I heard the words "fucking faggots" float to my ears. Before I could react, he looked up at me and muttered, "bitch." I looked up and saw that he had just passed my car — and might have been commenting on my HRC equality sticker. Before my brain could put this all together and before I started to entertain the idea that maybe I was just being paranoid and that his angry ramblings had absolutely nothing to do with me, he had passed out of my view.
I'm a little floored by the whole experience; this guy has been nice to our faces and pretty conversational on a few occasions. He seemed like a laid back bearded hippy type. Now I'm wondering just how many people are nice to our faces, then secretly scowl when our backs are turned?

Mama mia

Hat-tip to Mombian for her eloquent article about being a lesbian-mom, just in time for National Coming Out Day. And hey, is it just me, or did she work in my comment to her about Rachel Maddow being slapped with too much eyeshadow for people to accurately read her as a lesbian? I'm flattered. Really though, read her article because it very accurately describes our common experience as lesbian moms.

On the 'visibility front,' The Nurse and I attended an athletics fundraiser at a tony downtown bar recently. All three of our girls are involved in sports, so it was important to us to make this the first school function that we've attended as a couple. Most people took it coolly, but there were some visual gasps and one woman actually raised her hand to cover her mouth she was so shocked. But I guess if Rachel Maddow has trouble being read as a lesbian, then I shouldn't be surprised that I'm not setting off the gaydar of most heteros. But then again, their gaydar isn't the most sensitive anyway. Even appearing with The Nurse, doesn't "seal the deal" for many heteros. People have even asked if she is my SISTER! (Um, yeah, we got a good laugh from that one.)

We'll have to revist this later

I guess we won't get to find out how Joe Biden handles the whole "gay marriage" thing at tonights HRC fundy after all. His MIL is in hospice, and he's canceled all of his weekend appearances. Of course, my prayers are with the Biden family, but I sincerely hope that this issue gets revisited.

We are more, sister

"We are MORE, Sister." That's what her email said to me a few weeks ago, refusing to bow at the altar of Obama because he does not fully embrace gay rights. I posted a bitchy blog in response to her "rant," but after watching the VP debate last night, I have to admit that I was angry and disappointed at the candidates. I didn't want to admit the truth — that on the issue of gay marriage, there is no difference between the candidates — they are all emphatically against it.
Instead, from the "progressive" Obama/Biden ticket, we get platitudes about protecting the rights of partners to visit each other in the hospital. Are they serious? We are so past that.
Now, I can respect (and even agree with) the notion that "marriage" is and should be primarily a religious matter and left to the faiths — but Joe Biden left it at that. Instead, he should have pointed out that all couples deserve the same protections under the law, and therefore, anyone (gay or straight) taking part in a civil "marriage" should be required to have a "civil union." Leave "marriage" to the churches. But he didn't say that, and instead pointed out that everyone running is in total agreement about this issue. I wonder how this will play out, as Biden is scheduled to make the featured remarks at the annual HRC dinner tomorrow night.

The Last Good Day of the Year

I woke up this morning with a chill — the second day in a row where I felt like I didn't want to leave the warmth of my lover or the blankets. I know this feeling will persist until next Spring. The beginning of Fall not only brings the familiar temperature shift but also a feeling of resistance that has become recognizable to me over the years too. Death (both big and little) lurks behind every corner, and I wonder, how the heck am I supposed to make any progress and create positive change for myself when nature is telling us hunker down. Or is my life to be at odds with nature in this regard? While the leaves fall around me, the days shorten, and life whithers, am I going to be reborn amidst it all? I certainly can't wait for the alignment that Spring would provide. I must become like a greenhouse, and burst with continuous new life and possibility, defying nature and every natural tendency to shrink into myself and stagnate.