January 28, 2013

Past the Mission

Taking the time to focus in prayer on some of the things that I needed to turn to in the last few months has born much fruit. As I find myself called into deeper and deeper prayer and sacrifice, I also find myself much more spiritually "in tune" and able to hear more clearly when I am called to take a particular action or prayer path. I can see how all of this has brought some positive changes to my family, to my children especially, and to my all of my relationships.

I've been struggling recently with the growing animosity from the Catholic Church toward the LGBT community as the Marriage Equality debate heats up, particularly as it comes closer to a reality in my home state. And yet I remain firmly "Catholic" and look forward with zealous passion to Holy Week, because I know that what is important is not any of the politics of the flawed men who are trying to run things. The Spirit moves as it will. I'm hoping that the church will see a greater uprising from within it's own ranks, and not just from the laity, but from the priests. The time has come for faithful disobedience. I can feel myself being pulled more and more away from the church, which tells me that I probably need to dig my heels in a little more.

But what I really want to talk about? It's been about 6 months now since I've consciously given up something: all symbols of goddess worship, including tarot card reading. I haven't talked to many of my friends about this out of fear that I would be judged or misunderstood. I'm still sure that would be the case. In the past six months, I've thought a lot about the decision — which I made strictly out of a call to obedience that came over me — without fully agreeing or understanding it. In that time, I've come to some acceptance about my decision, and some peace. I don't think that I could ever fully explain it in a blog post in succinct way, but the best way I could explain it to someone? For me, those things open a doorway from which I cannot control who enters, and I have learned that I was not a good judge at discerning who had entered my spiritual rooms. Closing those doorways for me has come in the form of obedience, repentance, and daily prayer. And in that process, I have been called to even deeper levels of contemplation, and more and more is being revealed to me, particularly through scripture. I am also learning, slowly, how to better discern from whom the revelations come, by asking the right questions. I'm hoping that eventually, I will better understand what my spiritual gift(s) may be, and how to access them, but I'm not there yet.

Now, I have not given up my belief that God transcends gender, and that there is a feminine principle within our Creator that must be honored — and that a HUGE part of what has caused the corruption within our church is the subjugation of all that is divinely feminine. I still truly believe that this was why I was called back into the Roman Catholic Church — to help in my part to guide her back to recognize the feminine face of God. God and I will still be in talks about that mission, if it still exists for me, and how it might take shape.