April 06, 2012

Darkening of the Light

Shine on friend, goodnight...why, then, the darkening of the light?
~Concrete Blonde

I planned to do more today, but after seeing The Nurse at Mass last night, I was pretty sure that I would revert to my standing tradition of skipping out on Good Friday services. Delle. And now Janine. How could I go and not weep like a child, bawl uncontrollably? I don't have the strength for it this year. Not in front of them. This year...why aren't I packing like I promised I would? Why do I just want to lie on my couch and cry? Ahhh, the date today. The Nurse and I met exactly 5 years ago this night -- on Good Friday. It has come full circle. Damn this almost-anniversary, sneaking up on me!

So my I Ching reading brought me to a passage called "The Darkening of the Light." And I thought it was just a Concrete Blonde song all this time...but no, it's Confucius. Its message — I must stay steadfast, stoking my inner light — that few can see outwardly in this time of great personal trial. And persevere. Always persevere. Yeah....that's what I've been doing. Sigh. I'm still human, and I don't know how long it's going to take to get used to seeing her with that new girl sitting in church. It made me think really unchristian things, so I know I've got a long way to go still.

Tonight I burnt the last pictures of us kissing from the photobooth and the little love notes and am trying to let it go. Someone that I used to know. But I just want to listen to the Dixie Chicks, eat ice cream and hug my pillow.

April 05, 2012

The rabbit hole

This morning, I was thrilled to see the article in the New York Times about the Pope freaking out about priests around the world in a state of disobedience about Women's Ordination. His call for "radical obedience" at the onset of the the Holy Week masses was sharp..and at least at our church, will be defied tonight, as the Priest will wash the feet of both male AND female parishioners.

This Lent, I took on some major meditation practices...trying to fill the holes left from a broken relationship, and heal my heart. Meditation has been a great way for me to do the soul-searching and soul-healing that I really needed to make space in my life to do. Time for "listening." I also found that I really found my bond with my youngest daughter really deepen during this time. She's such a neat kiddo, and I love spending time with her. I've also become somewhat of a hula-hooping diva. I really want to find a good dance class this summer and expand my repitoire to fancy shmancy moves.
I'm slowly starting to learn to trust myself again, and feel grounded once again. It's hard to believe that I was ever lost, that I could ever lose my way. It happens when you search outside of yourself, when you start to give up too much of yourself for another who doesn't value you, doesn't respect your basic humanity. And I have to take a good deal of the responsibility for that, for that choice. Love is blind.

But when the blinders are off, you wonder how you could have ever seen yourself in that light. It's like falling down the rabbit hole and coming up two years later and wondering what the hell happened? Where have I been? Was it all just a dream? Did life go on without me? And now, I have some catching up to do...

April 03, 2012

Back to the old house

I can't believe I am moving again. I never felt like I really got unpacked and settled into this place, and now I am about to begin the arduous task of packing it all up again. The circumstances under which I took this apartment were tragic...and I'll be glad to leave the memory and all of the bad energy of it behind me. I'm at peace with the fact that at the very least, I have come to a point in my life where I am willing to ask for help from those who will give it to me — my family. It's not ideal, the situation I have found myself in, but I'm at peace with it. Recovery takes time, and the comfort of home is good medicine for my spirit right about now. Fixing up the old house, and the people who live inside of it, will be my new project.