May 30, 2012

Checking In

I had such a great day yesterday. Really got to do a lot of thinking about my own emotions and what might be holding me back. My main concern is staying grounded while giving myself permission to also fall in love, if things should go that way. Staying true to myself while getting to know another person -- without taking on too much of the other person's interests or activities and unknowingly sacrificing my own, or letting my insecurities start to sabotage things before they even take flight. It was good to acknowledge that I've worked hard to get grounded and feel really solid in my own life, and don't want to fall into any sort of unhealthy pattern that could undue that, and that it will take some careful diligence on my part. My friends never could believe the hot mess I became in just a few short years of dating the Nurse...and I'll be damned if I'd allow that to ever happen again. And I have to take responsibility for it myself, because I know what I'm capable of and how easy it is to fall down a rabbit hole and get completely lost, even to myself. But when I look in the mirror today, I know who I am and what I want and I love the person who looks back at me. I don't ever want to lose that woman again. I deserve love...but the price cannot be the soul-debt that I have already paid. I've fought too hard to reclaim my life and get back on solid ground.
I believe that balance is possible, and I'm actually feeling that the pace so far is giving us a good chance to achieve it. It's going to be really important for me to strive every day for equilibrium and check in with myself — so that I can feel both secure in myself and ready to give love freely. I mean, I could have just summed this whole blog post up by quoting Rupal, right? "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

May 29, 2012

Opening the book

It's all done...the Soldier did the thing that she needed to do to move forward with me...and as it turns out, that thing entailed a conversation with the Nurse. I hesitate to use the expression "bros before hos" because of where that leaves me in that scenario, but there is it. So, a conversation that I honestly want to know nothing about took place, and it apparently went well, and I no longer need to be anxious about it, which is a huge relief. Even if I don't completely understand it, I do admire and respect her integrity.

I want to follow where this path is leading me, with a fully open heart. It's scaring the hell out of me, because I'm feeling a lot and it's only been a week! I am grateful that she is forcing me — forcing us — to go slowly...because I could easily see myself spinning out of control. Instead I'm letting myself open up in ways that I haven't in a long long time and taking a little time to grapple with each emotion. Feeling things I haven't felt in...well, a very long time. Thinking thoughts that both excite and terrify me. I need to spend some time thinking about this fear that I'm feeling. I know it's because my heart is so vulnerable right now and I haven't allowed it to be to anyone, but she is cracking through. How is she doing that? I just know that I feel completely revealed in her she can read my soul like a book.

May 28, 2012

Leap of faith

What a weekend this has been. Yet I feel like even in this safe space, I must restrain myself from writing too much about it, at this time. I can say without hesitation, I am falling for someone special. (Still trying to think of the perfect codename.) But it seems that there are certain ducks that must be aligned before everything can be right. We wouldn't be lesbians if there weren't some sort of drama!!! So, some things need to be taken care of. For someone to ask me to trust them so early in the game requires a big leap of faith, and I have to admit, I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about it. Once bitten, twice shy, as they say. While not wanting to project a bunch of expectations onto what could be a lovely beginning, it also scares me to subject it to what I consider a risky and tense test so early on. Here's where the trust and faith has to come in. She's reminded me that I have an Advocate who can help me with the fear, so I'm trying to "give it up to God," and say a few prayers about this situation when the anxiety strikes. Focusing on the present moment is the most helpful thing I can do for myself right now, and it brings me peace to just know that right now, at this moment, everything is exactly as it should be. Tonight she is cooking me dinner and I'm looking forward to even more time with the girl who is slowly stealing my heart. Did I just say that?

May 25, 2012

tattoo inspiration

So I had this intense moment of inspiration about my next tattoo. I really want a fleur de lis! I've got a whole story about this...I'm not sure I can put it all down in words yet, as it still seems to be emerging, but needless to say, the fleur de lis and I seem to have been on a journey for over two decades now and it's developed a lot of meaning for me. I'm going to keep mulling it over and thinking about how to express what exactly it has come to symbolize for me, so that I can share it. Some things are obvious things to share: Mary Magdelene, French/Alsatian heritage, prophetic dream I had, stained glass I made, signs and symbols...

I'm swooning about the start of the long holiday weekend. Really looking forward to spending more time with my new lady friend (codename: Sargent) who has quite thoroughly gotten under my skin in the best of ways. Beginnings are so lovely, and I'm savoring every delicious second.

May 24, 2012

Gorgeous Grace

Hot weather has arrived in Chicago, which means making the switch to iced coffee, summer dresses and sleeveless tops. Inevitably someone will notice my Anima Sola tattoo, which has been hibernating under winter sweaters for far too long, and remark on it's loveliness or ask me when I got it — always surprised that they hadn't noticed it until now; after all, I've had her for five years now. But even before the day that I got this ink, Anima Sola was already a part of me; getting the ink was just the next phase in her journey along with me. It's a good reminder on this beautiful summer day that there are many gifts around us that go unnoticed, yet are there — always there. Such is the nature of Grace. We need only to step into the day with an open heart, ready to see what is around us always, and let ourselves be surprised by the grace-filled moments that await us. Sometimes we encounter a new person or situation that is very like a new summer dress on a gorgeous summer day — revealing what was always underneath the sweater, but no one got a chance to appreciate. But it's always there, whether we see it, whether we appreciate it or not. Take the time today to recognize grace. Appreciation will come naturally.

May 23, 2012


I met her (who I have yet to to think of an appropriate nickname for...she already has the perfect nickname) for dinner out with some of her friends and then a movie. It was fun to meet her circle — and having already subjected her to mine, it was only fair that I take a turn. No problem...I'm never awkward in a social scene, and the conversations flowed easily over a lovely meal. At the movie, we held hands like flirty teenagers and let the tension build between us. Afterward, we were both so hyper — clearly feeling so ramped up and I desperately wanted to find some privacy with her. We walked along the quiet downtown streets, taking in the skyline and talking about what we were feeling — deciding to go get a drink. To make a long story short...this may be a long story. Things are building slowly...which I like. We talked about keeping things easy, uncomplicated, drama free...which I also like. Of course, my life is seldom uncomplicated, but I appreciate the spirit of that sentiment right now, and the place from where it comes. I appreciate not rushing into anything, but also relishing the growing emotions and desires that we were both able to share. I sensed that this was a good step for both of us, given our past histories of relationships and non-relationships. At this point, I'm totally willing to let go of expectations and just stay in the moment with this, and see where it leads. Seriously. I'm looking forward to our next date on Saturday night, and getting to spend more time with this girl who intrigues me so so much.

Ah....I just had a thought. Given what seems like a huge love of sci-fi fantasy/superhero movies on her part, perhaps a superhero nickname is in order? To the bat cave....

May 21, 2012


Lovely butterflies are flipping through my stomach this morning. I'm listening to love songs and have the biggest smile on my face. I'm in dreamland. Mmmmm, that girl. I've known I've been attracted to her for years, but that kiss this weekend at my 40th birthday party just swept me off of my feet. Instead of 40, I feel 17. Smitten as a high school girl.

But even before the kiss, when I first saw her from across the room — a girl I hadn't seen in over a year — a friend of a friend who doesn't even live in this country anymore — I was thrilled and excited all at once. She came...for me. I practically threw my arms around her. It took a little restraint to not come on too strong! Our immediate chemistry took us both by surprise...and now I can't stop thinking about the girl with the amazing dance moves, the purest heart I've run across, a shining grace and spirit, and the most lovely smile and eyes -- they truly captivate and enthrall me.Gaaaaah!

This feels good! I'm looking forward to dinner soon and seeing where this might lead. Butterflies like these are are not to be overlooked or taken for granted.

May 15, 2012

Red Thread

Moving is a bitch. But when it's done, it's done, and you slowly can go thorough the motions of unpacking and settling in. I awake every morning to the sounds of the trains and the many birds. The ravens, the woodpeckers. The old house brings memories to the tasks before me. I have been bound to this house since I was a child, and its creature comforts.

I took Little M to see 'Cats' after the May Crowning and we had a great time. My own mischievous cats have been exploring the new digs, and breaking several things in the process. They knocked down nearly everything from my vanity and broke a little tea cup that I keep baubles in, along a little wooden box. The lid had come off and the contents had spilled out. This was a box I kept little bits of magic treasure in over the years, and one of the things I noticed on the floor was a wad of red thread. Ah yes, I had forgotten about this bit of magically infused thread. I silently thanked the feline intervention for bringing this matter to my attention.

I set the thread back on my vanity while I took a few days to think and dream about the proper words to release it. This was a bit of thread that came to me in a magical moment of fate, and symbolized a bond that no longer existed, yet persisted — a tie that had been broken, yet lingered. It must be returned to the element from which it came to me — to the wind.

When I awoke this morning, I knew I had the right magical words in mind to finally release this thread, to sever the bond forever. And even if the words were not right, they were right enough, and the time was overdue. And so surrounded by the trains and the birds, I broke the spell, and cast the thread to the wind.

It was only later as I searched for an image under the search terms "red thread' that I discovered that "red thread" symbolizes "fate" according to the Chinese, and those bound by the red thread are bound as if in marriage. It is similar to the Western concept of soul mates.

My life has reflected soul mates that come and go, but are not "life long" partners, as Hollywood would like, and I might fancy when swept into a romantic mood. But for now, my soul is again free, bound to no one and grounded again in my own life, my family, and all that I will. Nothing has every brought me more peace than that in my 40 years.