January 30, 2008


Thomas Merton
“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
— Thomas Merton

It's freezing outside, but the sun is shining brightly and I'm home and avoiding doing the mundane things on my list today. T bought me a copy of Thomas Merton's New Seeds of Contemplation the other day at the library when I spied it on the rack of books they were getting rid of for only a dollar. Maybe it's this weather that is breeding the need for my soul to hibernate and wander my interior rooms (hey, I am Anima Sola, after all). I suspect it is so much more than that. It's the consistent longing I have been feeling while sitting in my Sunday pew, the vague loss of vitality and a sense of invisibility that sometimes comes over me. I imagine whispers and fingers pointing: "See that one, yep, she's so-and-so's mother and she used to be married but now I hear she's shacked up with a female lover...."

But it's also the recognition of my own growth and how far I've come on my own personal journey and how that shapes my relationships and spiritual life. I feel strong, and able to endure. They'll all come around, they just need time to accept, I tell myself.

I have long believed that it's much harder for people to adapt to change — particularly the changes that other people make — than anyone would ever suspect. When your own personal changes challenge the way other people relate with you, identify you and treat you, well, you can count on some people putting up a fight. This dynamic has always been most obvious to me when I stand up to bullies (who sometimes masquerade as our friends and family) and stop allowing people to mistreat me. Maybe it's just part of getting older and sorting through the relationships that serve us and those that don't — but I'm proud of the way I've learned to stand up for myself these past few years.

I'm also not as shaken and anxious as I have been in the past when life circumstances seem uncertain. My intuition tells me that everything is exactly as it's meant to be, and everything will work out in the end. That something great is just around the corner. The unemployment that could easily seem like a life disaster feels more like a minor setback. Instead I find myself counting my blessings and cherishing the love that is never far from me.

So I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing — sink into Merton and allow the questions to be asked and trust that the answers will come — or that, in the unknowing, I will at least be content that I searched and recognized the the questions were even there to begin with.

January 21, 2008


Eating Rice tagged me, and since I haven't blogged in quite awhile, I thought I'd get back up on the horse with something random. Enjoy.
The rules: Link to the person who tagged you. Post the rules on your blog. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs. Leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours.
1. Since my last day of work, December 17th, I have had trouble sitting in front of my computer for more than five minutes at a time. I can barely bring myself to check my email, let alone blog, surf or chat. Reality is currently trumping the virtual world.
2. I've been feeling kinda stuck lately, particularly on the spiritual front. I'm no longer sure if my faith community can accept me for who I am and validate my relationship with T. I'm grappling with the possibility that to some people, I will always fit nicely into their limited concept of who I am. I predict that if the big changes in my life cannot be accepted and acknowledged by this community, I will drift away.
3. After over a decade of dying my hair, I have let the roots grow in enough to confirm that I am now about 50% gray.
4. Despite the fact that a few of my friends who are taking Lexapro for depression also experienced the side effect of significant weight loss, I am still determined to battle my depression and weight gain sans meds.
5. What I am looking forward to most this year is filing for divorce. The sooner the better.
6. Eleven years ago today, my oldest daughter was born.
7. When I'm in a bad/sad mood, I annoy myself even more than I annoy the rest of you. Trust me.
I'm forgoing the "tag someone" portion of this blog, because I somehow think it would be even more annoying.

January 02, 2008


My poor neglected blog, one of the casualties of the whirlwind of activity I've been caught up in lately. You know, the usual holi-daze I find myself in between gatherings with friends and family and just being completely knocked out of my usual routines due to time off — which, for me this year, is only compounded by my recent state of unemployment.
My kiddos have been on an adventure across the country for over a week now, leaving me to my own devices, but I'm ready for them to come home now. But shhhh, don't tell them, I threw out over 4 bags of garbage and old toys from their room while they were gone.
Oh, and Macy's rose ever-so-slightly in my esteem last week when I caught a huge deal there — I found something I had been shopping around for marked down to 90% off! Seldom do I ever experience such shopping serendipity. And that happened on day-two of what I would describe as being forcibly swept up in T's shopping mania — which began very suddenly when she walked into the kitchen and turned off the oven that was midway through cooking our enchiladas and declared that we "must" go immediately to World Market to buy up the clearance Christmas candy, because it would be all gone by the next day.
I also spent a good many hours doing a "design test" for a publisher that subsequently called me for an interview later this week, so I'm hopeful that my stint of unemployment will be relatively short lived. The job, if I get it, is in the far away burbs — which has got me contemplating the long commute and even possibly relocating. Hey, at least the public schools are good out there, or so I hear. The job looks promising and like something I'd really enjoy doing, so it's a lot to think about. Trying not to put the cart before the horse, but I'm optimistic.
New Year's Eve was grand — spent at a small party of good friends and just the right combination of wine, gourmet munchies and drunken silliness, ooooh, and a lovely midnight kiss. Goodbye 2007 and hello 2008! I certainly feel like I've got a lot to look forward to this year.