January 30, 2012

My temple

Times have been tough for me these last few months, there is no doubt.

My body is slowly starting to heal, but left scarred. I hope that the marks that run up and down my legs will fade one day, as I do love my summer skirts. The doctor's were never able to get to the bottom of my illness ... I'm now convinced with the timing of it all that it was stress related. You really can die of a broken heart. The horrible symptoms that have plagued me for nearly 5 months are slowly starting to subside. I'm confident that I will be victorious over this invader within my body.  I will not be broken.

My spirit is also slowly starting to heal. I am sustained by my deep faith, my appreciation for beauty and art, my loving children, family and friends, and my tenacious ability to protect myself from situations and people that disregard my emotional well-being. I'm feeling an even greater need to listen to beautiful music, sing even more, and seek out creative opportunities. Dance. Laugh, cry, and thank God that I've made it this far, and learned what I've learned. I'm also feeling the need to access friendships and let go of people that aren't really in my camp -- and not maliciously -- but just with the recognition that it's okay to let go of people who don't enrich your life in any meaningful way.

My mind continues to heal, as I do the work necessary to let go of the pain of the last 5 months. A deep inner work, a necessary work. The kind of work one must do after ending a long-term relationship badly, but that so many avoid. I have a job that I love and stack of books to read to keep me sharp. For the first time in a long time, I feel the glimmer of hope in the deep space where my heart lays. But I don't want to jinx it, so I won't write more about that just yet.

I am becoming the person I want to be...and I am so deeply grateful.

January 25, 2012

Creative pursuits

Do you ever have one of those fantastic days where you get a shitload of stuff done before 8am? Today is panning out to be just such a day. After showering, I had lunches made, and tonight's dinner in the crockpot, ready to go. Awesome! But I had also processed some big ideas. I woke up literally yearning for a new creative pursuit, and wanting to write. This blog has become such a personal diary, it's not the kind of place where people really flock to read anything other than glimpses into my psyche or personal spiritual journey. I'm wanting something more, and in a context that will demand more of me. I want to look for  freelance writing gig. Luckily, I have the right connections, and within minutes, I pieced together just who I should contact, and what I might write about and propose to them, and which published samples to send. So, it's all simmering in the crockpot....

January 11, 2012

Cancer Moon

All I've been able to do this week is listen to music constantly and just hunker down. Maybe it's this Cancer Moon (which rules my Venus), but my emotions have been all over the place. The Librarian has moved on, rightly deciding that things were moving too slowly between us. I too felt the connection fading.

Over the weekend, I was bombarded by photos of The Nurse with her new girlfriend just back from their big trip to Vegas. Again, I'll blame the moon for my strong reaction, but it really threw me for a loop. A real girlfriend? With all of their friends commenting on what a cute couple the make? That she takes on trips out of town? It all just floored me, in the light of my own romantic failings. I'm still healing, not ready to give my heart over...and she's feigning love?

At least I was able to be honest with myself about it. At least I'm not collecting more broken hearts and leading anyone on. I'm sure The Nurse's new girlfriend is a sweet person...and doesn't deserve to be treated the way she's being treated. Being used is not fun.

And I say this, because the last few days have been a barrage of late night text messages from the The Nurse -- admitting that her "love life" is not what it seems.Telling me how much she misses me and how she regrets taking the new gf to Vegas. How could I even respond to any of that? I mean???

Last night was the final straw. Late night text message from The Nurse that was clearly meant for another — asking me to wait up and let her in. So. Cruel. What kind of game is she playing? I have again blocked her from my phone, after confronting her with the message that she swears she has "no idea how she sent to me." I am not blaming the Cancer Moon for that one. There really are no accidents.

I am listening to music, healing my soul, and letting all of this go. Singing. Taking hot baths. Praying. Meditating and writing. Hunkering down and letting it wash over me. I love myself enough to know that love will come again when I have put in the work of healing and being ready for it, not rushing in. The serious lack of empathy I have witnessed is what hurts my soul — that I could have loved another who truly lacks this vital quality but masterfully feigns it as The Nurse is so astounding to me. But I'm not so sure she's quite as masterful as I once believed. Others see it too, all the time. It makes me question my own judgement, that is for sure. And I was certainly warned, going in, by all who knew her.

I have learned some important lessons that I needed to learn — about how to stand up for myself at all costs and how to never let anyone back me into a corner by telling me that I am crazy or that what I am saying or doing doesn't make any sense.

January 02, 2012

New Year

It's a New Year, and I'm already trying to get a little more organized! I've just separated my iTunes into two different libraries — one for the teenager and one for me — so I no longer have to suffer through her "hits" when I shuffle. Awesomeballs! (that's a teenage word that she would object to me using.)

It's a couple of days later than I usually like to do it, but in lieu of resolutions, I'm making my annual lists —  of things I want to let go of from the past year (which I will burn) and of things I want to attract into my life.

I had a lovely New Year's Eve with good friends and I'm ready to start contemplating what it is that I really want for myself in the coming year. It can be a hard thing to dig around in the inner "muck," especially during the frantic time of the holidays, so I'm thankful that things are returning to a more moderate pace.

While there are so many things that still scare me about my life and that I accept are out of my control, I still feel generally optimistic about the future. Good things are headed my way.