January 11, 2012

Cancer Moon

All I've been able to do this week is listen to music constantly and just hunker down. Maybe it's this Cancer Moon (which rules my Venus), but my emotions have been all over the place. The Librarian has moved on, rightly deciding that things were moving too slowly between us. I too felt the connection fading.

Over the weekend, I was bombarded by photos of The Nurse with her new girlfriend just back from their big trip to Vegas. Again, I'll blame the moon for my strong reaction, but it really threw me for a loop. A real girlfriend? With all of their friends commenting on what a cute couple the make? That she takes on trips out of town? It all just floored me, in the light of my own romantic failings. I'm still healing, not ready to give my heart over...and she's feigning love?

At least I was able to be honest with myself about it. At least I'm not collecting more broken hearts and leading anyone on. I'm sure The Nurse's new girlfriend is a sweet person...and doesn't deserve to be treated the way she's being treated. Being used is not fun.

And I say this, because the last few days have been a barrage of late night text messages from the The Nurse -- admitting that her "love life" is not what it seems.Telling me how much she misses me and how she regrets taking the new gf to Vegas. How could I even respond to any of that? I mean???

Last night was the final straw. Late night text message from The Nurse that was clearly meant for another — asking me to wait up and let her in. So. Cruel. What kind of game is she playing? I have again blocked her from my phone, after confronting her with the message that she swears she has "no idea how she sent to me." I am not blaming the Cancer Moon for that one. There really are no accidents.

I am listening to music, healing my soul, and letting all of this go. Singing. Taking hot baths. Praying. Meditating and writing. Hunkering down and letting it wash over me. I love myself enough to know that love will come again when I have put in the work of healing and being ready for it, not rushing in. The serious lack of empathy I have witnessed is what hurts my soul — that I could have loved another who truly lacks this vital quality but masterfully feigns it as The Nurse is so astounding to me. But I'm not so sure she's quite as masterful as I once believed. Others see it too, all the time. It makes me question my own judgement, that is for sure. And I was certainly warned, going in, by all who knew her.

I have learned some important lessons that I needed to learn — about how to stand up for myself at all costs and how to never let anyone back me into a corner by telling me that I am crazy or that what I am saying or doing doesn't make any sense.

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