February 14, 2012

the dreamer's heart

It's Valentine's Day here in the U.S., and ironically, I'm celebrating it more this year as a single girl than I have the last several years while in a committed relationship. But not in the commercial way that is so typical of this Hallmark Holiday. Sure, I'm doing a few nice things for myself today: stopping for a mocha at my favorite cafe, and having a friend over for dinner and movie, but these gestures only bolster what it is that I'm feeling. I'm just simply sharing all of that love that has been welling up inside of my heart these past months — with myself. This last week has been phenomenal; I know a few others who are tapping into the present awareness of dreams right now, and they have brought me deep insight, healing and freedom this week. It's a true grace — the gift of dreams. My dreams are full of deep love: for my children, friends, special people I admire. It is not with any intention or desire  or personal need for reciprocation that I send out this love; I send it out simply because it swells within me every day and I have no choice but to release it, dream it. That is what freedom feels like.

February 09, 2012


Sometimes the answer comes to you. In all of your brokenness, you must surrender. Take the path of least resistance. I've made the tough decision to move out of my apartment — not something I look forward to, but I need the comfort of family and familiarity right now so that I can heal from the sadness that seems to linger in my heart. Before the butterfly can emerge, first she must spend some time in the cocoon. I've had so much loss this year, my heart still aches and my body is so very weak. I just want to go...home.  I'm going to move back into the old house...fix it up. I've already scheduled a complete kitchen overhaul with new cabinets and a dishwasher and picked out a new sink for the bathroom. The kids will have their old rooms, and I will have mine. Dad will have company and care for his own waning health. With any luck, I will have Little M in a new school, and will not have to see The Nurse around every aching corner.

If I weren't so utterly broken, I might care that some may judge me for being on the verge of 40 and moving back in with my parent, but neither the present economy nor my broken heart affords me such a luxury. Besides, most of the world lives in extended family situation, so I consider this a very cosmopolitan move. Working on this house is what I need...for my soul right now. Because maybe if I return to the root of things, I can learn to let go.