April 06, 2012

Darkening of the Light

Shine on friend, goodnight...why, then, the darkening of the light?
~Concrete Blonde

I planned to do more today, but after seeing The Nurse at Mass last night, I was pretty sure that I would revert to my standing tradition of skipping out on Good Friday services. Delle. And now Janine. How could I go and not weep like a child, bawl uncontrollably? I don't have the strength for it this year. Not in front of them. This year...why aren't I packing like I promised I would? Why do I just want to lie on my couch and cry? Ahhh, the date today. The Nurse and I met exactly 5 years ago this night -- on Good Friday. It has come full circle. Damn this almost-anniversary, sneaking up on me!

So my I Ching reading brought me to a passage called "The Darkening of the Light." And I thought it was just a Concrete Blonde song all this time...but no, it's Confucius. Its message — I must stay steadfast, stoking my inner light — that few can see outwardly in this time of great personal trial. And persevere. Always persevere. Yeah....that's what I've been doing. Sigh. I'm still human, and I don't know how long it's going to take to get used to seeing her with that new girl sitting in church. It made me think really unchristian things, so I know I've got a long way to go still.

Tonight I burnt the last pictures of us kissing from the photobooth and the little love notes and am trying to let it go. Someone that I used to know. But I just want to listen to the Dixie Chicks, eat ice cream and hug my pillow.

No comments: