January 12, 2009

It's a Wonderful Life....

I tend to avoid writing anything here when there's either too much happening in my life or when I'm feeling depressed. Which is too bad, because writing has always been helpful for me when I'm working through stuff. So I turn to my journal instead. Lately every day has been a battle. I manage to get quite a bit done — catching up on laundry, cleaning the house, paying the bills, making sure that other people's needs are at least minimally met. I've tried to do a few things for myself too — talking to close friends about where I'm at and getting needed support, joining an exercise challenge, making a doctor's appointment.
The dark thoughts haven't abated though. Some days I'm convinced that I'm going to die soon. My brain searches for a bit of rationality to stave off the fatalism and on most days, I find just enough. I don't want to be consumed by this darkness, but more than that, I am terrified that I am taking others down with me. I've kept so much of it inside but it leaches out in various poisonous ways into my relationships. The only thing that is clear to me most of the time is that I am a terrible burden. Cue the sad songs....

2 comments:

veganmama said...

No one is a burden, just as no one is a mistake -- we are all a necessary part of the universe, here to love and be loved, help and be helped, move people and be moved. God's love shines on everyone, and don't you forget it! (says the atheist believer...) And, you know, it wouldn't hurt to call a different friend (ahem!) from time to time if you feel as though you're exhausting the normal ones. :)

xoxo

Mell said...

It is true that when you are being consumed by that 'dark thing', you are probably taking everyone else with you. They get caught in the maelstrom, otherwise known as 'your life', and hesitate to live their own because it isn't 'safe' to do so. I made many apologies after I discovered -- and did something about -- my depression. Only after I fixed it, could I see what I had put everyone else through. Love, Mom