September 28, 2011

Cry Cry Cry

I'm just blogging up a storm these past few days...I guess the floodgates have opened. Writing is certainly helping me process things. Last night I sat and re-read a year's worth of journal entries. Wow. It really drove home the cycle that I was stuck in, the issues that were present, and the need for my relationship to end with The Nurse. Anytime someone puts major deal-breaker conditions on your relationship that you cannot meet, it's time to move on. I couldn't make my children disappear, it's as simple as that.

I've been listening to this song nonstop for days:

And speaking of re-reading through things as a form of process, I came across this old posting today from when The Nurse and were first dating...and so happy. Her comment is even there. I realize that so much of this blog is a history of our relationship — perhaps in time I will have the strength to re-read it all.

So, what am I to think now about the notion of soulmate? I don't know. I just don't. Is it a Hollywood construct? Am I a fool? I know that I believed it with my whole heart...and I want to be a believer, even if that is foolish. Perhaps the fool's life is the happier one. Giving up completely on love — I know too many people who have chosen that path and I don't want to resemble them...but I can admit that I have felt the strong pull to throw in the towel. I mean, heartbreak sucks. Really sucks. But I don't know who I would be then. I wouldn't be me anymore. I would lose some vital part of myself if I gave up that dream. At what age do people finally become so jaded that they just say, "fuck it"?

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