October 16, 2011

2 months

I found myself sobbing today, and it took me by surprise — until I realized the date. It has been exactly 2 months since The Nurse and I broke up, and my body was reminding me of that painful day. I know that it will get easier in time, but until then I am in this sort of painful limbo. I've become an expert recluse and fooler of my friends. I am "ok," I tell them, and for the most part I am. I mean, what I am going through is not unlike what anyone goes through during a painful breakup. Yet everywhere I go, people ask me if The Nurse and I have reunited yet! "No," I tell them, "we've really ended our relationship this time. We don't even speak to each other anymore, actually." It's a fair question, I concede. The last year of our relationship certainly was dramatic.

I just hate this whole fucking experience. I wish this didn't have to suck so much. Today I'm feel raw and just so sad about it all. What a fucking sad situation! That when we see each other, we don't even speak! Just so much pain there. Not to mention the dozen or so songs that are now blacklisted for me. Totally ruined. You will not see my fingers fly faster to change the station than if Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros Home or, god forbid, Patty Griffin's Heavenly Day comes on. To hear even half a verse would be sure death. My iPod is now a war zone full of dangerous landmines. On the bright side, this has forced me to seek out all new music, because I cannot live a day without music.
I've been sick for two weeks, my defenses are down. I'm feeling weak and just so pissed off at myself for putting myself in a situation that has caused me such heartbreak.
At least I'm getting out of town next week. Maybe some distance will help me out.

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