November 06, 2011

Alla my stuff

Someone almost walked off wid alla my stuff. Those were the exact lines that came into my mind this week after I stumbled into a trap set for me.

the whole time it waznt a spirit took my stuff / waz a(wo)man whose ego walked round like Rodan's shadow / waz a (wo)man faster n my innocence / waz a lover i made too much room for almost run off wit alla my stuff.

I kicked myself hard for a day or two for falling right into the trap set for me, for the Big Bad Bully is intent on only one thing: getting a reaction out of me. And I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. The goal was to get a reaction out of me — and I reacted — with all the hurt and anger that was apparently right there on the surface. It was easy after that, to paint me as "unglued" and "crazy." Just as she'd done to many of her exes before me. Surely I should have learned some lessons from the exes-painted-as-crazy-and-or-obsessed that had come before me. Don't play her game.

i want my stuff back / my rhytums & my voice / open my mouth / & let me talk ya outta throwin my shit in the sewar

I'm grateful for a strong support system that can help me find the tools to navigate a new world where I need to protect myself from bullying behavior, and get control of my own need to react to provocations. It's so important to learn that what we share with a lover has got to be a managed and equal transference of energy, love, spirit, and gifts that bring growth to each other. You can give and give and give ... but you can't give away all of your stuff.

my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure of the year / did you know somebody almost got away wit me / me in a plastic bag under their arm / me danglin on a string of personal carelessness / i'm spattered wit mud & city rain....

My stuff is a that wasn't recognized or valued, most importantly by myself. You can't give yourself away without your own permission, after all. I'm grateful that grace continues to show me things in a new and beautiful light, accept my own shortcomings, admit my own mistakes and learn from them and step boldly forward with a heart full of hope.

* with credit to Ntozake Shange from her poem 'somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff'

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