Irked

Doesn't it always seem that when life gets a bit more stressful, little annoying things seem to get magnified? Here's just a couple (yep, just two) of "annoyances" that have irked me lately:

1. Judge Sonia Sotomayor being criticized as potentially "too compassionate" and "emotional" or, conversely, as too "agressive, outspoken, and controlling." Of course, those are the standard "criticisms" of womankind going back as far as one cares to. You're either a bitch-with-a-capital-B or a weak and emotional crying mess who can't be given the authority to make important decisions. Grrrrrr.

2. Suburban straight-girl college culture. Admittedly, I know little of this from personal experience, but I've glimpsed a world through the eyes and stories of The Nurse that at once made me shudder, and be thankful that I attended art school in the big city. Apparently, gay-bashing and homophobia is alive and well at suburban colleges -- even in programs where the average age skews a bit higher. Twenty-six-year-old women routinely shun lesbian students for group projects, make obscene homophobic comments, and fear being called "lesbian" if they are too friendly with gay students. Do straight women generally harbor a paranoia that lesbian women are hitting on them if they are simply "nice"? Or that you will be considered gay-by-association?

My co-workers are all in the same age range (and 95% women), with The Nurse's classmates, and I have never yet experienced this phenomenon, so I have to blame the suburbs. I know other women — even straight girls who were "mistaken" for gay (short hair and tattoos perhaps? not enough pink?) — who have been accosted by total strangers. So I'm stayin in the city. Humpf.

waterfalls

"Life sure is a humdinger." That's what Delle used to say, quoting her wise auntie. The Nurse is in, well, nurse mode, but it's just a completely different thing when it's family. No machine. Waterfalls of tears. And reserves of strength you didn't know you had. Ah, I'd do just about anything to make it all better — but the simple truth is that I've got no control. None of us really do. I've got a shoulder to cry on and a lap to fall asleep on for an hour or so. And a whole lot of love for The Nurse and her family. I continue to be amazed to witness what the human soul can bear. Be kind to each other today.

Valleygirl

On my usual route getting the kids to the bus stop and then down the block to catch my train to work yesterday morning, I spied a yard full of hundreds of lilly of the valley which stopped me in my tracks. I just couldn't resist, so after looking around quickly, I crouched down and started picking them. Just a small handful to carry along to work with me. Ah, they are one of my favorite flowers, rivaled only by fellow May-bloomers, the lilac. The urban valley I live in — created thousands of years ago by Lake Michigan and melting glaciers — is the perfect habitat for these shade-loving beauties. Their sweet smell and dainty bell-shaped perfection made the walk down the used-condom strewn street a little more bearable. Take some time to smell the flowers today.

Life goes on....

Well hello there Anima Sola readers! It's been well over a month since I've posted anything, so I'll try to do a little update here of things that have been preoccupying me. I've thought about writing a few times, but as I so often do, I write it in my head and don't always manage to get to the keyboard. Anyway....Spring has finally sprung in Chicago and it's a glorious day — at least 70 today I'd say, with plenty of sunshine.

I'm getting into the groove at my new job; I had my "90-day Review" on Monday of this week and it was actually refreshing to hear some constructive criticism as well as praise. Overall, it was very positive and I was told what a good job I'm doing. After my review, I cleaned out the "job search" email folder that I'd been hanging on to — with well over 200 emails stored of jobs I'd applied for. A nice little cleanse.

Of course, becoming gainfully employed has not made each and every hurdle in life vanish — stumbling blocks and challenges are still a regular appearance. I have accepted that this is simply the nature of life. We are not in control, just along for the ride. We try to roll with the punches: stress, money woes, illness, death. And try to look around and see who is there with us as we face the darker moments. These are the people who matter. Live a good life and I believe you'll find lots of these people in your corner.

One of my latest guilty pleasures is Facebook. I've had fun reconnecting with long lost friends and keeping better tabs on people that I don't usually have daily contact with. The brief "status updates" are nice little check-ins with people who might otherwise slip through the cracks on most days.

This Saturday, Little M and J are making their First Communion, which we are all looking forward to. And this past Easter, The Nurse was initiated into the Catholic Church. It still sounds crazy to say that, because a part of me wonders how anyone can rationalize joining our crazy church, but then I realize that our community at St. G's is pretty darn special and unusual. There is an abundance of light there that really pulls people in. Perhaps it's greatest gift is that so many of the parishoners are deep thinkers who really have done the theological study and spiritual house-cleaning to be able to be Catholic on a local level, while resisting Catholic nonsense from the hierarchy. Anyway, The Nurse and I have really deepened our relationship by connecting spiritually and sharing a faith path, which means so much to me.

OK, this is getting a bit long, but I'll try to check in more often and write again about more topical stuff. I can't believe it's already mid-May and I'll be (choke, choke) 37 next week! How on Earth did this happen?

Discordant

Lent is coming to an end, but winter won't release her grasp from Chicago. The wind is still howling and the snow is still falling around here. Surely, that has something to do with my rotten mood today. That and the fact that I've been suffering from vertigo for two weeks now. This weekend, I suffered from the worst migraine I've had in about a decade. The pain still lingers and combined with lack of sleep and vertigo -- I'm a mess this Monday morning.

Spring promised to renew us, but she hasn't arrived just yet, so I'm desperately trying to make it through this latest round of choking winter and illness. Today feels a little hopeless, but that could just be the pain talking.

This Lent, I did manage to accomplish some things on a personal and spiritual level: I quit smoking. There has been a small amount of backsliding, but overall, I feel that I can confidently say that I have QUIT. Smoking ties in with a lot of old relationship baggage for me, so I'm happy to take a first step in putting those things to rest. Of course now I'm left looking for another coping mechanism and I really haven't found it yet, though chocolate has been the tempting choice. Why can't it be exercise?

Today is the anniversary of my first date with The Nurse. We had a lovely little date last night, thanks to a friend who surprised us with last minute tickets to The Goodman to see Magnolia. Very nice. The kids are still driving us both crazy, our schedules are still overwhelming and we still haven't figured out exactly how to keep the fires burning, but we're trying. Sometimes that's easy and sometimes that's hard. I guess that's just life.

Her voice

I've been keeping a running list in my head of things to write about but the time has escaped me lately, but even more so, I'm having my usual trouble in deciding what to write about first. As this blog was meant to focus primarily on religion and patriarchy and how my little corner of the Catholic Church was fighting it, I guess I need to keep my focus there because there is a lot to write about.
Seven years ago when I found the renegade Catholic parish that I am a member of, I was delighted to find a spiritual home that embraced so many of my needs — in particular a parish that had a lay preaching team which allowed women to share their wisdom from the pulpit. I had spent many years trying to heal the wounds that I believe exist for most Catholic women — marginalized and silenced for centuries. I followed the voice of the Goddess and found power and strength in circles of women who honored ancient ways. But I always longed for the Mass and for community. I was blessed to find it in the midst of so many other who heard Her voice.
But now, the voices of women have again been silenced. Our parish received an order from our local Bishop that lay-preaching was to stop immediately. Rather than resist that order and face various punishments, our Pastor has acquiesced. We've had a couple of meetings to discus our feelings and agree on some sort of response, but right now I can't help but feel tremendously let down. The old wound is again ripped open and salted.
As our parish meets to figure out a response, I am figuring out how I personally must respond. In addition to declining to write a check for the Annual Catholic Appeal (I submitted a protest note in my envelope instead), I'm thinking again of my small circles of women and the old ways. I have always walked the line between Christianity and Paganism quite well, sometimes more on one side than the other, and I wonder if another shift is on the brink for me. I won't give up my community, but I can't give up the spiritual wisdom that only women can offer each other. For now, I am patiently listening for Her voice....and I know the way will be revealed to me.

A very auspicious day

Have you ever had one of those days where everything just seems to unfold perfectly? I think I will always remember the events of Janurary 20, 2009: After I got the kids off to school, I joined them at the 9am Inauguration Mass to drop off juice boxes for the 2nd grade's "Ball in the Hall." Little J read in church and was as hammy as ever. On my way home from Mass, I got The Phone Call. The One I've been waiting for for just over a year. The company I had interviewed with the day before was calling to offer me a position! I was absolutely giddy. I originally applied and interviewed with them last Spring, but when three new positions opened up, I jumped to the top of their list. So after a very long struggle, my daunting journey through unemployment is finally over. I hope that this is a chapter in my life I will never have to live again. The best parts? This job is in my field, doing exactly what I want to be doing, has growth potential, is only a ten minute commute from my house, and pays a good deal more than my last job. LIFE IS GOOD. But wait, the day had just begun! It seemed like forever (5 phone calls and a text message) before I was able to share this long-awaited news with The Nurse, but we finally connected and I was delighted that she could share the joy with me and feel the lifting of this heavy burden. I made it home to watch the Inauguration ceremony -- and found myself more moved by the music of Yo Yo Ma, Itzhak Perleman, Anthony McGill & Gabriela Montero and Elizabeth Alexander's Praise Song for the Day, than I was by Obama's speech. Nevertheless, during the speech, the weight of the day — my own and the unique moment in time that our country was experiencing — finally caught up with me and I wept. I sobbed.
Next, I was off to the spa, which was offering use of the facilities for free in honor of the day. I met up with three great girl friends and we celebrated and soaked away the last eight toxic years. By the time I left, it was time to pick the girls up from school and share my good news. I was met by cheers and visible relief — the seriousness of our financial predicament had not been lost on them. After homework was completed and The Nurse was home from work, we were off to celebrate at our favorite little Italian restaurant. After delicious food and a nice bottle of wine, I was off to my church's GLOS group meeting for some reflecting. I was surprised when I was greeted with a bouquet of flowers to celebrate my new job. Today I feel very grateful for the support of my friends and family who have kept me in their thoughts these long months. Let's celebrate!

At long last!

Can you believe that the Bush presidency has finally come to an end? Just one more day. Tears were shed when he became our president eight years ago, but I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams (nightmares?) how bad it could get. Illegal war. Mission Accomplished. Abu-Ghraib. Katrina. Two right-wing supreme court justices. Economic collapse. These are just a few of the Bush Administration failures. This man has taken America from being the envy of the world to the shame of the world. I feel totally shell-shocked after the last eight years and can't wait for the brighter days ahead. Let's hope that the worst if finally behind us, or at least keeps itself to Texas from now on.

10 things on my mind

Ten things on my mind today:
1. "healthy selfishness"
2. National Body Challenge
3. Bishop Gene Robinson asked to give prayer at Inaugural event
4. The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success -- particulary the Law of Detachment
5. my tween's slumber party this weekend
6. daily exercise
7. setting reachable goals
8. personal boundaries
9. what I want on my tombstone
10. gratitude

swish swish

I found at least one thing to be very grateful for this morning. It's heading into sub-zero territory this week here in Chicago, and one of the less-than-a-month-old fancy-schmancy winter wiper blades I bought, snapped right off this morning. Perplexed at the thought of coming up with the money for a replacement, I decided to drive over to the oil-change place where I bought it — and they were able to fix it within seconds for free. Trust me, this is a grace-filled moment where we're talking about making it through a Chicago winter.

It's a Wonderful Life....

I tend to avoid writing anything here when there's either too much happening in my life or when I'm feeling depressed. Which is too bad, because writing has always been helpful for me when I'm working through stuff. So I turn to my journal instead. Lately every day has been a battle. I manage to get quite a bit done — catching up on laundry, cleaning the house, paying the bills, making sure that other people's needs are at least minimally met. I've tried to do a few things for myself too — talking to close friends about where I'm at and getting needed support, joining an exercise challenge, making a doctor's appointment.
The dark thoughts haven't abated though. Some days I'm convinced that I'm going to die soon. My brain searches for a bit of rationality to stave off the fatalism and on most days, I find just enough. I don't want to be consumed by this darkness, but more than that, I am terrified that I am taking others down with me. I've kept so much of it inside but it leaches out in various poisonous ways into my relationships. The only thing that is clear to me most of the time is that I am a terrible burden. Cue the sad songs....

2009

The Nurse is already looking forward to New Year's Eve 2009 — and it's no wonder she's in a hurry to get through this year what with all the struggles of 2008 and quite a few more on the horizon. This has been one helluva year, for sure. I know we're not alone on that front. And for The Nurse personally, 2009 will see her fulfill an important goal — she'll graduate nursing school in July and really be The Nurse.
I'm taking comfort in my Favorite Song of The Moment — You and Me and the Bourgeoisie by The Submarines. Listen here. It's a good reminder that whatever we are going through, we're still blessed to be living in the "First World," aka America, and our struggles are inconsequential to most of those in the rest of the world. The other message of the song that I'm clinging to is that when we fill ourselves up with the things that really matter — love and light — we can get by with a lot less "stuff."
So there you have it: My Resolution for 2009. Choose love. Choose light.

Freedom!

Before I had children, I adopted the feminist outlook that I wouldn't allow any of my daughters to have Barbie dolls. A toy that would potentially encourage my daughter to see herself as a "mannequin, sex object or housekeeper," wasn't welcome in our lives. I had my own past history — and a few scars — from growing up with Barbie. My feminist mother never bought any, but they seeped their way into my life as well. My singular lasting memory of receiving the doll was Christmas Eve when I was 9 years old. My Aunt, a Dietician obsessed with weight and nutrition, gave me two presents that year: a calorie-counting guide book and a giant Barbie head. The overpowering message of the two gifts was clear — you are not good enough. I had decided that Barbie would not be a part of my daughters' lives. Of course, while I personally didn't purchase any, I couldn't foresee the complete onslaught of Barbies at every birthday and holiday that they would receive from uninformed friends and family. It was truly overwhelming, and I succumbed to peer pressure. And as I watched my girls play with the dolls, I realized that their imaginative play was mostly positive. One thing became clear to me: Barbie was in control and didn't take orders from anyone.
Adjusting my viewpoint to fit the circumstances, I focused my "ban" on other dolls — like the overly-sexualized "Bratz" dolls. With their exaggerated lips, tits and ass, they make Barbie look somewhat like Holly Hobbie. Once surrounded by dozens of Barbie dolls, I thought I should share a few words with the girls about the doll, her features, and the cultural messages. Over the years, this has turned into somewhat of a Christmas morning ritual. Barbie (and other dolls of her ilk) come encapsulated in the most extreme packaging of nearly any product out there. There is thick plastic that must be cut, wires that must be unwound, plastic tethers that must be cut from her head, wrists and feet, ripcord strings that must be pulled from the stitching of her clothes. Of course, no child can manage this on her own, so is sweet succession, I am handed these dolls to "free them." Instead of complaining about the lengthy process of cutting through all of the packaging, I enthusiastically cut and rip at the plastic, telling the doll, "You're almost free!" And this is how my Barbie pep-talk begins each year — as I free her from the bonds of her plastic slavery. Anticipating what has become our ritual, Little M did her best Aretha impersonation this morning and danced around the living room singing "You better think, think about what you're trying to do to me." Big M and I chimed in with the chorus, singing "Freedom! Freedom!" as we held up the newly emancipated Barbie dolls. Little M and I told each doll, "You are free now. You don't have to be what they created you to be anymore. People are gonna love you for who you are, not for being what they want you do be. So be yourself now! You're free!"

Frozen solid

It's been so cold the last couple of days that I've been pretty much holed up in the house. I did manage to go outside for a few minutes today to add antifreeze to my car — hoping that will cure it's total lack of heat, and to help The Nurse free her car from the perilous ice. Once we got her car out, I decided that there was nothing that pressing that was worth me losing my relatively easy-to-park-in spot. I could have dragged some lawn furniture into the street in true Chicago fashion to guard my spot, but it just seemed like too much effort. Much easier to surrender to the ice and just stay put.
The ice seems to have seeped into other corners of my life too. My job search is somewhat frozen, as I have found myself once again pinning my hopes on one great lead that is totally frozen with no job offer and no confirmation that I didn't get the job. Frozen.
The promise of Advent has not yet thawed the icy chill in our hearts as we grieve the loss of three parishoners, and I have learned that another is close to the end -- the mother of a girl I went to high school with who was in a devastating traffic accident that killed two other parishoners a month ago as their car collided on an icy road with a semi truck. It's no wonder that I've come to have a healthy respect and fear of this ice.
More snow is expected tonight and into the holiday and I will probably have to venture out into the world tomorrow and do my best to break free of all of this ice. I might get stuck, but I'm a hearty Chicago girl whose been through 36 long winters and I won't give up without a fight. Wish me luck.

International Human Rights Day

If I had a job, I'd be calling in "gay" tomorrow. Or perhaps I'd be joining others on the steps of the Chancery downtown tomorrow to protest this Christmas gift from the Vatican. Sadly, I'll be at the wake of a friend's husband tomorrow instead. What are you all doing?

10,000 points of light

I noticed the other day that this blog has now gotten over 10,000 hits, which is a milestone I guess. I hope that a good fraction of those hits resulted in actual readers.
It's been busy lately: I survived Thanksgiving with The Nurse's family — and their Black Friday 11 hour shopping tradition the next day. They teased and joked about Aunt Patty not being able to hack it when she went with them years back. The Nurse took it as a good sign that they were comparing me to another spouse. With a little Christmas money in hand, The Nurse and I headed out to the casino for a minute before going to see a movie on Thanksgiving night. She lost $50 bucks in about 10-15 minutes. Ouch.
I had a big job interview this week, and I'm waiting as patiently as I can to find out if I sealed the deal. Don't want to talk about too much because I'll probably jinx it.
We've got the Christmas tree up and decorated, and for the first time since our childhood's — we've got a tree with colored lights. The kiddos begged for them this year, and our white lights were mostly burnt out at this point, so we went ahead and got some. We decided that it's gonna take a little getting used to, because we both have some negative associations from our childhoods. Poor people use Christmas lights. That's one thing we grew up believing. Somehow white lights always were more elite and elegant. Blinking colored lights were entirely ghetto, particularly if strung in giant x's in the front windows.
Well, as luck would have it, we actually are poor, so we're enjoying our low-brow colored Christmas lights this year.

Booooo!

I totally blew it and forgot to post yesterday. Well, I knew I wasn't going to make it through the whole month anyway, seeing as how I won't be home for two days over the Thanksgiving holiday. Forgive me, NaBloPoMo-ers for my grievous error! Better luck next year!

wifey

I swear, I've become a total house-wife. I can't tell you how much this simple fact motivates to be vigilant and tenacious in my job search. I just wasn't cut out for this.
While The Nurse was washing the girls' dirty coats last night, the washer did that thing it does — and refused to drain any water. So today I had to lug the soapy wet coats to the laundrette. I've spent quite a bit of time there lately. I was sad to see that their 99 cent special was over and that I'd have to pay $4.30 per load, but relived that the place was relatively empty and I didn't have to fight for a washer and dryer.
And then I spent the rest of the afternoon sweeping and dusting and washing things. Yay me.

Click

I had one of those job interviews today where everything just seemed to click. It reminded me so much of the interview that led me to my last job — it was just clear that we shared a set of values (both personally and in terms of the organization) and that I would be a good fit. Sometimes this can be even more important than possessing the skills that a place is looking for. They want to know that you want to be there and will find the work rewarding. Midway through the interview, she stopped me short as I was showing her my portfolio and let me know that they were at the end of the the first phase of interviews and had asked a couple of people back for a 2nd interview. And then she asked me to come back and interview in front of the rest of the collective. So, I've got a 2nd interview with this place after Thanksgiving and a decision will be made that same week. I've got a really good feeling about this one. I plan to have them eating out of my hand....

Winter Wednesday

It was about 45 degrees all day today, just lovely. I told The Nurse that I wished every day of Winter would be exactly as warm as today. She said it was this warm because it's Fall, not Winter. So basically, I wish that Fall would replace Winter. But I know that Winter is coming.
To prepare a little today, we finally took the air conditioner out of the kitchen window and The Nurse, in her infinite generosity, bought me a new pair of Winter boots. They're as comfortable and furry as house slippers.
Today the kiddos brought home their report cards — and it was all good. The Nurse owes Big M some big bucks as a result of the deal they struck for bringing home A's and B's. It seems the motivation of cold hard cash has proved to be quite effective.
I'm pretty exhausted from running around all day. Big job interview tomorrow too. Gonna turn in early tonight and enjoy my flannel sheets. G'night.