August 14, 2012

Ordinary time

"The more you fight against something, the more you draw it in." These words sit on my desk as a reminder, and yet I find myself in the struggle, in the fight. But I want to do something....not just sit. Not just wait. Just tell these voices inside the shut the hell up! But I'm not getting any answers now, it's just static on the line. I'm in a spiritual time out, some time alone in the corner to sort out my thoughts? I guess that is what is needed. So I'll do nothing at all and try not to fight it. The "path of least resistance," as the Buddhists say.
I've stopped everything now and given up all the gifts that I thought were divine. I no longer know what makes me special, though I thought I had known all this time. Maybe there is nothing. Maybe I am completely ordinary. Maybe my quest for the mystical and the signs I thought I saw were just illusions. I don't know anything anymore.