Well, Christmas Eve has arrived and I have to admit, I'm a little blue this year. I was hoping that Christmas would bring a sort of vanquishing of the demons I've been battling the past few weeks, but they're still here, wreaking tiny bits of havoc on my emotional state. I mean, I really don't know how else to describe what I've been experiencing. I can objectively look at my life, see all of the love that surrounds me, all of the many blessings that abound even when I'm faced with some tough circumstances — but I feel like I've got this inner "demon" that wants to taint my life with greyness — and sometimes I feel like I'm in a constant struggle with this little bit of darkness that lurks within. Every little upset becomes a monumental kick in the gut, and every criticism proof that I am unlovable. Yet I know that my thoughts are distorted -- that I am loved. My prayers have been for the coming light to vanquish the little pest inside of myself — the one telling me that I "don't deserve" or "am not good enough."
But I'm not giving up; in fact, I'm determined to succeed. I've got waaaay too much to lose to my own negative thinking. I just need a bit of grace, a whole lot of patience from the ones who really care and some strong arms to pick me up when I stumble. I need prayers. I need gentleness. I need understanding. And most of all, I need to give these things to myself.