February 13, 2008

How do you perceive me?

See, I am doing something new!
Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
(Isaiah 43:29)

I began Lent off with a bang this year — trudging out early on Ash Wednesday for 9am mass with the school children, abstaining from meat on Friday, then spending most of the day Saturday at a parish retreat where I was treated to the best my community has to offer — amazing insights and heartfelt support for each other as we each took the time to look around and take stock of exactly where we are in our Lenten journey. I'm still reflecting on the whole experience.

Sunday was a bit of an emotional roller coaster ride and Mass left me spiritually drained and depressed. By Monday, I was starting to see things in a new light, thanks to T. Just because the journey I take with my spiritual companions (and that one special one) doesn't always look the way I want it to and instantly fulfill all of my needs — does not by any stretch mean that I am alone. Anima Sola has a selfish streak, and a control streak. God reminds me, in sometimes not-so-gentle ways, that I'm not the one steering this ship. Control is but an illusion. And love is right at my fingertips.

And beneath all of that selfishness on the surface is the truth of the matter — I am ecstatic that I really do have someone special on the journey with me, and even when our ways part, we are never truly far from each other's hearts. We all have to walk our own paths, after all. And I am certain that as we discover seeds of truth and create community for ourselves, we will will always come back to each other, at the end of the day, and share it all on that special soul-level.

On Tuesday, I went to my church's Gay and Lesbian Faith-Sharing Group — which isn't at all as dull as it might sound. Sure there's bible reading and discussion, and while it's all very thoughtful and insightful, it's also totally non-pretentious and actually interesting. After all, we Catholics didn't exactly grow up steeped in bible study. I haven't spent much time with the book since my adolescence (when I discarded it for more interesting things, like the Dianic Book of Shadows) and it's edifying to reexamine it as an adult with a little more life experience.

I'm certain that I will grow very close to the members of this group, who more than any other in my community, deeply understand and perceive the changes that have happened in my life in the past few years. Family, indeed.

And I'm hopeful that the rest of the parish (and particularly those darned school parents!) will catch up and really see me, perceive me — because I'm truly doing something new.

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