March 14, 2012

Seven Devils

And now all your love will be exorcised
And we will find you saying it's all better now
And it's an even sum
It's a melody
It's a battle cry
It's a symphony
~ Seven Devils, Florence Welch

This is all a process, this grief. And anyone who has been through it — surrendered to it fully like I have — knows that it's somewhat like exorcising demons from one's body. There are more than one and you don't know exactly what they're gonna look like or when or how they're gonna rear their ugly little heads. Some take over your body — with tears, with physical pain, with true illness and affliction and deep and lasting physical scars. Some take over your mind — with sleeplessness, with memories, with anger and regret, longing, fear and untold sadness. And some infect your very soul — destroying your ability to hope, to love, to trust again and to see those things around you anymore.

For seven months I have battled these seven devils — with constant prayer, meditation, therapy, self-reflection, music, friends, good healing food, exercise, and by surrendering to the process of feeling it all rather than letting those devils breed within me. I will exorcise them. I will win my life back. I will smoke them out. And my heart will be more capable of loving and sharing and trusting than ever before.

I cannot choose the timetable. I cannot choose the highs and the lows, though I battle to keep every inch of ground I gain. I hold tight to each moment of grace that bolsters me through each moment of despair. It is a gift. I am so grateful for the love of friends and family that surrounds me and fills me with hope each day. I have not allowed myself to jump into a romantic relationship — and though I suffer loneliness and bouts of doubt about whether love will ever make an appearance again in my life, I know that so far, I have made the right choices for me. Because I have made each decision with my integrity at the forefront, I trust that the universe has good things in store for me, when the time is right. Something beautiful awaits me...but I must be patient for it.

The sucker-punches still knock me down...with an anniversary, a memory, a chance meeting.....but I will never be afraid again. Because I got up each time a little stronger and a little more ready to strut like an Amazon.

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