June 01, 2012

The heart of love is trust

So the Soldiergirl looked across the table as I sipped my beer and ate my sandwich and asked me if I'd jump out of a plane with her. Panic. My heart raced. She began to talk about the free fall and I could feel my pulse escalating. I confessed that it was my biggest fear — but also one I had hoped to confront at some point before I die. So, would I jump out of a freaking plane???? GULP.  I didn't say no, though even talking about it filled me with a sort of anxious dread.

I'm realizing something rather glorious about myself, something I've wondered in the past couple of years. I've wondered if my ability to trust was so damaged that I wasn't going to be able to have a mature relationship with anyone again. I'm realizing that healing is possible, and that my willingness to step out in faith, allow myself to be vulnerable with another person and trust them — is not broken. It's a fantastic feeling, to know that this essential ingredient remains within me. Without it, how could I ever hope to find real love and return the same? So, today I am grateful that through the healing work and prayer that I've done in the past year and by the grace of God through whom all things are possible, my brokenness is becoming more and more of a story of my journey toward wholeness.

And someday, I may even be capable of taking that big jump.

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