Bullet lists

I grabbed my journal a couple of days ago and shoved it into my purse. It wasn't begging for me to write something...but to review. And so today I finally re-read the past couple of months of entries and saw again the pain of the last year, and the healing journey. The very last entry I made was my prayer for love to come my way again in the coming year, and my "list" of what I wanted. AHhhhhh, you'd think I'd have learned my lesson of making lists and asking God to deliver me lovers in such a manner! Perhaps I had done a better job this time! My short list asked for:
• deep soul-connection
• passion
• equal partnership - healthy balance
• fearlessness

A great list, if I do say so myself. Sure beats my list of basic requirements that I'd come up with in high school with my best girlfriend:
• had to have a home
• had to have a phone
• no hard drug use
• reasonably close to my age

Also good, but this new list is certainly more refined on speaks to needs on a deeper level — a soul level. 

What makes for a good relationship? I've blogged and reflected about it before, and posted the list of characteristics of what constitutes "healthy" and "unhealthy" and seen my relationships wander down both paths. I'm always interested in hearing about what works for other people, so I think these sort of lists make good sense. What would be on your list?

As for my list, I am realizing that these are not just characteristics that I am desiring in another person, but also ones that I want to nurture in myself: they are all a mutual sharing on every level that can be shared, with the essential ingredient being fearlessness. It's takes courage to share every aspect of yourself with another in the deep levels I'm talking about, that I'm dreaming of. My prayers will be focused on overcoming my own fears and continually surrendering, trusting. God is with me on this journey...I am never alone, and I am so freaking blessed that I don't even have the words of gratitude to express. I am continually humbled by God's good gifts that are showered upon me. Amen.

Passionate

On some days I have to remind myself that even if I am left totally alone, it does not make me worthless. When your heart pounds out of your chest with the force of an out-of-control Mack truck and you are certain that every drop of blood that once coursed through your veins is now flooding into your brain, which suddenly feels like it has sunk to your feet — and the frantic breaths that you gulp at like a fish out of water come like sharpened steel knives into the most tender recesses that hold all of your hopes and dreams and you wonder if it had all been a lovely delusion — and then between the heaving sobs that pour like a hidden ocean from your eyes, you can only rock yourself back and forth, a motherless infant exposed in the cruel wilderness of heartbreak — then the truly dark thoughts pour into the emptiness that once held your heart: the people who love you aren't going to be there for you in your pain; you'll have to face it alone, feel it alone and you even pray for death because surviving this pain seems like a more gruesome fate by far.

I know that this is a universal experience, and I believe that it is the root of all fear: that we are not good enough and not loved and will be left alone: to feel our pain, and to die.

It stuns me whenever I'm in pain or spiritual turmoil and instead of comfort, I am offered solitude. It's human nature, I know, to run from other people's pain, though we know in our deepest soul that no one ever wants to be alone at such a time. It's very brave to stay there with someone. At times in my life I have experienced all of these roles: betrayer, betrayed, and friend who has both stayed, and run.

Holy Thursday is my favorite "holiday" for this reason. After pouring out all the love he had within him, breaking bread and sharing the cup, then bending to wash the feet of his cherished disciples, Jesus fully experienced all of this human aloneness, abandonment and betrayal. There is nothing more universally human — and in this shared experience lies the opportunity for empathy. Think of Jesus, in spiritual agony literally begging for the cup to be passed from him — yet not my will be done. And where were his friends? Asleep. They couldn't even stay with him for an hour, though he begged for their comfort. When Jesus was arrested, the sheep scattered and Peter himself denied Jesus three times. Betrayed by his closest friends and abandoned in his suffering — only the women of Jerusalem were brave enough to walk with him to Golgotha and stay at his feet, witnessing what must have been unspeakable violence and suffering. So complete was his suffering that he cried out in his last breaths: "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"

I will likely find myself in tears tonight, as I stay for a time at the foot of the cross, as is my usual practice — wishing I identified most strongly with the women of Jerusalem who stayed, but knowing that I contain in nearly equal parts all of the players of the Passion. I am Jesus, who in a time of suffering, feels totally abandoned and betrayed; I am Judas, who through my own actions betray those who love me with my lack of trust; I am Peter, so consumed by fear that he only knows how to run; I am Simon, who at times has bent to carry the burdens of friends, even to my own detriment; I am Veronica, whose simple kindness in wiping the brow of Jesus teaches me that there is always an opportunity to express empathy; and I am Joseph of Arimathea who would rather attend to things after the fact and not get into the messy horror of it all.

A dream analysis a day too late

Two nights ago I had a dream:

I was in church, alone in my pew. When I look down to the far other end of it, my ex-husband is sitting there. He blows a kiss. I look forward again and wrap my arms around T sitting in the pew directly in front of me, and I kiss her neck. She is faceless and does not respond. My ex says something nasty to her and I. Suddenly I am called to the altar where I find myself announcing to the congregation that I only have one day to live. I look up and a few women are weaving down the aisle with lit candles. Everyone else is heading to the back doors of the church. As T and I head to the back of the church, I see people i know doing uncharacteristic things. The Liturgical Director is swigging vodka from a juice bottle. I meet the Associate Pastor, also headed to the door, and as they swing open, we both look at the sky and he remarks at the impending storm. The sky is in turmoil and as the black clouds roll in, they swirl angrily. T and I are walking but now she is way ahead of me, and I encounter one of the school children who tells me that she too is dying. I noticed an elaborate altar (like an Ofrenda) in the church dedicated to her — as if she had already died. She tells me that I am going to be ok, but I say, "no, I am going to be dead by tomorrow."

From the dream dictionary:
Church
To dream that you are in a church, suggests that you are seeking for some spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some mistakes in the past which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, it may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

Ex Husband
To see your ex-husband in your dream, indicates that you are finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable.

Kiss
To dream of a kiss, denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment.

Faceless
To see a faceless figure or person in your dream, indicates that you are still searching for your own identity and finding out who you are. Perhaps you are unsure of how to read people and their emotions, and therefore are expressing a desire to know and understand these people in a deeper level.

Speech
To give a speech in your dream, indicates that you need to vocalize your feelings and thoughts. You need to communicate something important and/or urgent.

Altar
To see the altar in your dream, symbolizes that you are making a great personal sacrifice. You may also be expressing concerns about your spirituality.

Candle
To see a burning candle in your dream, signifies that good luck and hope will be coming your way in small and steady amounts. You are in a comfortable stage in your life and may be seeking spiritual enlightenment. Lit candles are also symbolic of intellect, enlightenment, awareness or the search for truth.

Darkness
To dream that darkness comes upon you, signifies failure in work you may attempt. Darkness is synonymous with ignorance, the unconscious, evil, death, and fear of the unknown. To dream that you cannot find someone in the darkness, signifies that you need to keep your temper in check. You have the tendency to let your emotions get out of control and lose your temper.

Storm
To see a storm in your dream, signifies overwhelming struggle, shock, devastating loss and catastrophe in your personal affairs. The storm also represents unexpressed fears or emotions, such as anger, rage, turmoil, etc. On a more positive note, the storm signifies the rising of spirit within.

Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.

•••

To the person that I love, but continue to hurt — I know that a thousand "I'm sorrys" can never change or take away the pain I've caused you. Apologies are always after the fact: too late. I have to live with the pain I've caused you. Please know that no matter how hard I push, it is out of my own fear and self-loathing and is no reflection on the depth of my love for you. Without you, I would perish. The girl in my dream, the one who I witnessed dissolve into a tearful rage at a b-ball game two weeks ago -- I know why she walks with me. Neither of us can control our overwhelming emotions. I can only pray that her promise that I'd be "ok" will come to pass, and that the "death" I am experiencing will only bring new healing. Don't lose faith that our love can heal anything that comes along.