Chin up

As much as I've been whining and in my "poor me" heartbroken state these days — out of the blue today a woman I've known for some time told me that she had been thinking of asking me out (despite some things that would probably make a relationship not a good idea). Nevertheless, it was a nice to hear that she considered me "kind, smart and beautiful." Sigh. Keep your chin up, girlie.

Missed You

I have to admit, I'm long overdue for re-writing 101 Things about AnimaSola. Look for that soon. And when I do, I'm sure one of those things will be that I am absolutely obsessed with the 'missed connections' section on craigslist. They are hilarious...and yes, I'm that "15 watt bulb of glimmering hope" that believes anything this romantic could actually happen.

The Saturday night rapists

When we were leaving family therapy, Little M tugged at my shirt and said, "Mom, look at the sign. For a minute I thought it said 'the rapists' instead of therapists."
I told her that it was something that many others had noted before about the profession.

I put on my new silver dress and purple lace stockings, fixed my hair and makeup and put on my new little suede boots. It wasn't so bad, heading out alone. In no time, I would be surrounded by women — find a friend. Have a drink. Have another. The bar fills up. I find a friend — a therapist by trade. She tells that "the first person you have sex with, I'm not gonna lie — it's gonna be really hard. I cried all night afterward, the first time after my breakup with ____. But it's got to be done. Just turn off your emotions. "

I'm shaken by what I see as some really fucked-up advice by someone who comes across as pretty emotionally dead to me. Really? Is this what needs to be done? I need to have emotionless sex with a woman I pick up in a bar to get over my ex? Is this the only way? And then I'll cry all night? And this will help me? I fail to see the logic. This sounds like something utterly damaging — and something that would make me miss her even more.

Not that I'm pretending to be above it. Not that it hasn't occurred to me or that I haven't walked down that road in the past. I'm not a saint. Maybe I just know better now. Maybe I'd just rather feel this kind of pain — the pain of loneliness and heartbreak — than that kind of pain — the pain of emptiness and loveless cheap sex. You can't get rid of your emotions — well, actually, you can — but I don't want to. It's the best thing about me. So I'd rather just feel whatever I need to until it heals after it's due time. And that sucks -- but you can't fuck it away in someone else's arms. You'd just be damaging yourself more, and probably another person as well.

Leaving the bar, I head to a birthday party. Champagne. Wine. Cake. Flirting. But who are we kidding? Any woman who would be interested in me is exactly the kind of woman I would want nothing to do with right now. Attracted to someone going through a breakup? What's wrong with you? I don't want to be rescued, I don't want to be comforted, I don't want anything, really. Maybe I just want to be told how hot I look in this new dress — because it doesn't get any better than this ladies! This is all I've got! But that's all I can give...my presence for a few hours, a conversation over drinks, and then it's time to call it a night.

future cat lady?

I'm healing slowly, but I know that there is a part of my heart that is dead now. I feel somewhat untouchable. If anyone attempts to flirt with me — looks deeply into my eyes — they can't even see me. And I don't really even care. I'm just so...heartbroken. Whoever gets me won't get my heart, at least anytime soon. But I don't want to repeat old cycles where I ended up with people who got a "dead version" of me. It's hard to balance loneliness/heartbreak/lust/healing.

After exchanging emails with J the other day...I avoided her when I saw her again at the L this morning. I'm just...not wanting to start anything with her. She deserves someone way better than the hot mess that I am right now!

But on a positive note, my girls are relived that I have gotten myself out of the unhealthy relationship spiral I was caught in, and can finally focus on them. Of course, I will never reveal that the final blowup was in defense of my oldest daughter — that is too much pressure for a child bear — but I'm proud that I finally stood up for her. Big M is going to her first Homecoming game and dance this weekend — and asked a girl as her date. She's definitely curious about girls, thought it may just be a phase for her. She's become active in GLSN and other high school clubs, and is getting all A's so far. We've made a lot of headway in our family therapy sessions towards strengthening family communication and building trust. Single parenting is such a difficult job! I so wish that I had a partner, but I now realize that I am on my own for the long haul...and I'm proud so far of the job I'm doing. Things could definitely be worse. It's really amazing the amount of responsibility they have both taken on, and how well we are all working together under less than ideal circumstances. But I think that it is bringing us closer, because to make it all work, it requires a much higher level of communication.

I'm trying to keep busy — to stave off the loneliness. The weekends when the kids are away are the difficult times. I'm planning on getting some new kittens this weekend to fill the huge dog-shaped hole in my heart. I find myself actually looking down the block some (most) days hoping to catch a glimpse of Olive out for a walk...all while I'm also hoping to avoid The Nurse. And I've given myself permission to skip out on some school functions that would just make my heart hurt more. There's really no requirement that I put myself through that. Maybe someday it won't hurt so bad to be in the same room, making small talk and drinking cocktails and moving around the room awkwardly — but I'm just not able. I've got a new dress, and I plan on wearing it weekend. Fake it until you make it. I'm going to look fucking amazing, going to a couple of events and parties — and maybe I'll actually buy into it and change my attitude. The truth is: maybe I'm just too old for the single scene. It's so...bizarre. I'm not sure how to navigate it and I'm not sure I want to. Geez, what the hell has happened to me? I used to love going out! Now I'd really just love to curl up on the couch with my new cats.

Cry Cry Cry

I'm just blogging up a storm these past few days...I guess the floodgates have opened. Writing is certainly helping me process things. Last night I sat and re-read a year's worth of journal entries. Wow. It really drove home the cycle that I was stuck in, the issues that were present, and the need for my relationship to end with The Nurse. Anytime someone puts major deal-breaker conditions on your relationship that you cannot meet, it's time to move on. I couldn't make my children disappear, it's as simple as that.
•••

I've been listening to this song nonstop for days:



And speaking of re-reading through things as a form of process, I came across this old posting today from when The Nurse and were first dating...and so happy. Her comment is even there. I realize that so much of this blog is a history of our relationship — perhaps in time I will have the strength to re-read it all.

So, what am I to think now about the notion of soulmate? I don't know. I just don't. Is it a Hollywood construct? Am I a fool? I know that I believed it with my whole heart...and I want to be a believer, even if that is foolish. Perhaps the fool's life is the happier one. Giving up completely on love — I know too many people who have chosen that path and I don't want to resemble them...but I can admit that I have felt the strong pull to throw in the towel. I mean, heartbreak sucks. Really sucks. But I don't know who I would be then. I wouldn't be me anymore. I would lose some vital part of myself if I gave up that dream. At what age do people finally become so jaded that they just say, "fuck it"?

Seredipity?

So I was standing at the L this morning, remembering this girl that I had gone out on a couple of dates with during one of my extended breakups with The Nurse this year. We had clicked on many levels and I remembered when I told her rather callously via email that I was getting back together with The Nurse that she believed I was "worth waiting for." Just then, I looked up and there she was, standing there on the L platform. Unbelievable serendipity! I hadn't seen her in about 4 months — she honestly looked better than ever. The platform was crowded, the train was pulling in and she was engrossed in her book and headphones....I tried to make eye-contact but she didn't see me (or pretended not to) and before I knew it, we were both swept up in the crowd. We ended up kind of close to each other on the train — but considering I was such an asshat to her, I decided not to approach her awkwardly on the train.

I'm really not any more available than I was when I went out with her the first time -- I still need to let go of The Nurse completely if I want a real relationship with any one new. But if J really meant that I was worth waiting for — than I'm not going to regret the email I just sent her.

Forgiveness

Dear AnimaSola,
I know that you are feeling a deep sense of shame about your depression and where you have let yourself end up emotionally, particularly after having the strength to come out as a lesbian and leave your 10-year marriage behind — but I forgive you. And really, you are so much better than you were a year ago. A year ago was the real low point for you. You and The Nurse went through this whole last year on-again and off-again just so that you could both be a little more okay with letting each other go I think. At least not suicidal, right? Sigh. But you know it was about so much more than the breakup. It's deep issues you've got in there: Yearning for family. Sexual abuse. Abandonment by your mother. So much loss. But this relationship too, has taken a toll on your self-esteem. You were doing all the dreaming for a future that only you wanted. That was certainly clear after you both moved out of your dream apartment last Fall. It was clear that there was no love for your children in her heart — and something very far from love directed at your teenager. You knew that you could never marry a woman who didn't love your children. It's so heartbreaking to even put that into writing, but you both need to face that truth, so that you can heal.

I know you are in deep pain. I know how much it hurts to see The Nurse, her daughter — and oh, the dog you adopted together. How your heart aches for the damned dog! Maybe because her love was so...unconditional, you miss her so. You have permission to avoid as many sporting events, school socials and church gatherings as you need to. You are not required to go to most of these things --but you are required to take care of your heart. You are not required to try to be friends. Right now, that would be asking the impossible. You are not required to put up any fronts for anyone. Protect yourself in anyway you need to. Block/restrict whoever you need to on Facebook. Limit your exposure to postings that might upset you. It doesn't make you a bad person that you are not capable of putting on a false front for the world and pretending to be friends with your ex when you are truly heartbroken. It took you 9 months to get over your last relationship, before The Nurse, so you know it will take some time. Give yourself all the time you need.

When the new girl you don't really know tells you that you have beautiful eyes — you say thank you but you don't pursue it, because you know it's not time yet. Not for anything real. There have been times in your life that you've shared single nights with such women — and men — just to let the loneliness pass away for a moment, just to feel beautiful — just to feel...but did you really feel anything at all? No. You have only ever felt connected within relationship — so that is what you will wait for again. But, of course, you know better than to look for it. It will just come when the time is right again.

It's so odd that you haven't given up on love yet. Heartbroken, crushed, defeated, lying on the couch for days and sobbing and still — still! You're dreaming about future love! You have always believed that it is out there, waiting for you: a true partnership, someone to share your life with and grow old with. And here you are, on the brink of 40 — alone and still dreaming! That is pretty powerful!

Be really good to yourself. Try to eat a little more. Try to keep biking through the Fall. Keep singing! Push yourself really hard to call friends and keep asking people if you can come over and just hang out -- its so good for you, even though it's so hard and I know you'd rather be alone. Keep processing the hard emotions. Don't shut down. Keep exploring new hobbies and rekindling old ones. Connect. Pray. Enjoy bonding time with your girls. Get new pets. And forgive yourself. You fell in love and tried so hard — I know you did. It's okay. I still love you and you are worthy of love and someday, I know that your dreams will come true.
All my love,
AnimaSola

Purgatorio

This post was originally written on 10/28/10 -- but I never had the guts to publish it at the time. But after reading what I wrote today and then stumbling upon this unpublished post from almost exactly a year ago, I realized that it's all connected, and it's time to set it free. This was obviously written from a place of deep pain and depression -- one that I am again trying to navigate, as I find way out of the relationship that had utterly destroyed every bit of my self-esteem. I don't blame anyone but myself for that, to be clear. I was weak at the start, and a year after writing this post, I'm somewhat more grounded after a year of hard work and therapy. Anyway, here it is.

"I'm an effigy, a parody of who I appear to be, put your flaming torches under me."
~ Natalie Merchant

Anima Sola returned home today, succumbing to the familiar flames that define her existence. She has run back here, screaming as if a madwoman, haunted by the words that ring in her ears still, words that can never be taken back. Ever yearning for "family," instead she finds it's wreckage at her feet. She will not utter the word, she dare not, but it cries to escape her lips: soulmate....

It seems like she had only just left this place — realizing her chains were broken — yet the fates have demanded her return here. She cannot resist, for she is empty now, broken. She knows that this place is all that remains for her, and indeed, it is all that exists. The earthly world holds no promise for the lonely soul — only the purifying flames of purgatory can cleanse her of this pain now.

And she is ready for this destruction, it's power so complete that she has had no choice but to totally surrender to it. Proud, to feel every piercing and agonizing blow — even the ones that draw the breath away from her and leave her begging for mercy — because there was a time when she would not allow herself to feel these things at all, and she knows the consequences of such repression.

Feeling this pain is the only choice now. And so with with her eyes fixed heavenward, not knowing the time of her emancipation, she succumbs to the flames, indefinitely, and with faith.

Nursing my wounds

I've been avoiding writing about my breakup with The Nurse. First, because I know that she sometimes reads this blog, but mostly because the pain of it all has been locked deep away inside of me. I haven't cried about it, since we broke up a month-and-a-half-ago. I've tried not to feel much at all. And I don't want to bash her, or the relationship here -- I just need a safe space to feel something. I'm still in such a haze about it all -- really, I went into complete survival mode. I'm not going to rehash any of the details....just accept that I'm starting to tap into the deep pain of losing the girl that I had hoped to marry, of wasting 4 1/2 years of my life on someone who didn't love me, and that although we spent the better part of a year in an agonizing stalemate, in the end it felt like she let me go with effortless ease and abandonment. I wish I could run to the ends of the earth and deposit myself safely in hermitage alone where I could deal with all that is swirling in my heart. It's going to take me a long time to heal this. I still think of her when I wake and when I go to bed -- even though I know she has already replaced me in her life. It doesn't comfort me to know that her friends called me "the best" that she had dated, because I know her pattern, and I know my own. I can't look back for her -- who has utterly destroyed my heart in such a way. I wasn't "the one," wasn't good enough. I've got to learn to be good enough for just myself and love myself anyway. Never has this animasola felt the conscious weight of her chains and chosen to hold on tight to them. Purgatorio. But why? Why can't I just let it go? How long must I torment myself over this?

Can they tell?

So, I went to a training seminar today in order to be certified as a volunteer with the Archdiocese of Chicago; this will allow them to run a background check on me so that I can volunteer around my child's school for classroom activities and school functions. While I knew that the VIRTUS training was centered around child sexual abuse, I guess I hadn't prepared myself mentally or emotionally. As the seminar began, I panned the room and wondered -- I am the only adult in here who is an abuse survivor? Later, as I choked back tears and wiped away the few the rolled down my burning cheeks as the child victims told stories of their pain and suffering in the videos we watched -- I wondered if anyone was noticing. It was definitely a tough couple of hours for me to get through. I managed to pull it together, before the "table discussion" portion after each of the two videos -- but wow, I really couldn't wait to get out of there. Afterward, I couldn't help but reflect on some of what I had learned in the videos and apply it to my own life and experiences. As was noted, victims of abuse often have difficulty with lasting relationships. Well, here I am, nearly 40 years old, another failed relationship at my feet. I don't know if I can say that I'm doing any worse than my peers though. People everywhere seem to have trouble with relationships, for all manner of reasons. Still, I didn't see myself as going into my 40's as a single gal -- I had hoped to be more settled by now. The video pointed out that victims of abuse are unable to trust because the ability to trust has been fundamentally damaged. Perhaps that is why I have been drawn both to other abuse survivors and/or abusive/toxic/addicts. In any case, it left me in a melancholy state for the rest of the day. I do know that I fundamentally believe that most people are good. I have learned to trust my intuition -- which is the most important thing any abuse survivor can do -- trust themselves. There are things that I will likely always struggle with -- like being alone and feeling safe: I remind myself that I am never truly alone -- God is with me always. Being given tools to help protect other children from abuse was empowering and worthwhile -- and on some level, healing. It was nice to be in a room full of adults on a mission to protect children from the predators out there who our children probably already know and trust.

"Stocking" is the new planking

I just submitted this photo to a new website called "stocking is the new planking." It's from last Halloween where my co-workers and I dressed up as stock photos.

Babysteps

I've always prided myself on being a fast-walker; while others casually are strolling down the sidewalk, I'm usually zipping by at my own swift pace. This briskness carries over into many aspects of my life — I wouldn't call it "road rage" but I'm not a very patient driver. I also tend to zip past people in my thought processes (I'm told it's a family trait), often leaving friends and lovers frustrated when I push ahead with ideas that they're still trying to unpack.

So when a freak accident left me with a foot injury that would temporarily put a serious dent in both my foot and my swiftness, I wasn't surprised to get the sympathy of most of my dear friends. But one of my very close friends knowingly pointed out that the universe had delivered me a serious message. I knew she was alluding to The Law of Attraction, but really, was she trying to say that I sabotaged a weekend that I had been looking forward to for several weeks — maybe even all year? Pride weekend? What kind of masochist did she think I was?

Tonight I as I walked home from the train station after work, I took each step very slowly. This was my first big walk home from the train and I knew that I'd need to keep a slow pace with my bad foot. Babysteps. This journey was going to take 3-4 times longer than it usually did. I began to ponder the meaning of "taking babysteps," — the phrase itself. Ah, yes, that is what I was doing, literally and perhaps what I needed to be doing in other areas of my life as well. There are many ways to reach a goal, but plowing ahead full steam seldom gets us what we want, though it might seem the most direct route. But it just doesn't take into account all the nuances of life — the spiral.

The spiral journey, the labyrinth. When I have walked a labyrinth, I have walked it slowly — deliberately, trusting that I would eventually reach the center and then back out again. Such is the life journey: just as we gain some understanding, we become confused by other things. Just as some relationships deepen, others fade; Just as trust builds with someone special, you may feel the sting of betrayal with another. There is a constant give and take, an ebb and flow. This is the sacred journey we are all on — and the essence of the deepest yearning within us. Within the spiral is the yearning to be understood by another, loved and accepted for who you truly are: known and loved unconditionally. At the edges of the spiral, we all must let go of all that is treasured: surrender.

So for today, I will try keep my focus on making small micro-changes in my life, instead of rushing toward completing huge goals.

Go Big or Go Home

So after more than a full year of sitting useless in the basement, I finally managed to get my bicycle to the shop and repaired. The push I needed may have come from Jupiter, which began it's transit through my sign of Taurus on June 11, and continues for a little over a year. Jupiter's motto: Go Big or Go Home. And Taurus: Get Practical. Combine these two things and look for BIG change for anyone with Taurus in their stars in the coming year. It's time to Go Big or Go Home and get motivated by your vision of tangible results. "Practical realism," multiplied by the size of Jupiter is the order of the day, for the next year.
I'm feeling like I've got Jupiter size ovaries lately -- pretty confident and ready to make decisions about things in my life that need making. I'm all about RESULTS lately.
I've gotten really clear within myself over the last couple of months about my desires and goals and needs -- which has meant making some painful but needed decisions. Again, maybe not as forthcoming without the final push of Jupiter.
I also made it back to church, which I haven't been to in weeks, just in time for Pentecost, which filled me to the brim with Spirit. How do I know this? Tears, of course. A grace I always recognize and accept lovingly, even though it leaves me stripped bare. The Spirit also has the motto of "Go Big or Go Home," I think.
My girls are off of school now -- Big M is leaving for leadership camp in Michigan for 3 weeks and Little M will be going to Theater Day Camp here in the city. I'm looking forward to this winding down time for them to concentrate on non-academic summer things before the next wave of "school" hits. So important for their overall well-being and growth. And I need that too! This summer I'm bound and determined to spend more time conquering the hula-hoop! Maybe I'll squeeze in a family camping trip in August. How I would love to get away and hit the road. Where would Jupiter go?

It bears repeating

A good friend asked me yesterday about my once published "list of standards." I had to dig through the archive to find them, but re-reading them was cathartic. As I first wrote, this list may seem like a no-brainer for many, but I continue to struggle with a few items. I'm happy to say that that in the past few years, I've overcome a few key trouble spots on this list.
If your relationship falls within the "unhealthy" column, it may be time for a change.

In a healthy relationship, you:

• Treat each other with respect
• Feel secure and comfortable
• Are not violent with each other
• Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
• Enjoy the time you spend together
• Support one another
• Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
• Have privacy in the relationship
• Can trust each other
• Are each sexual by choice
• Communicate clearly and openly
• Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
• Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
• Encourage other friendships
• Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
• Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
• Have more good times in the relationship than bad

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:

• Try to control or manipulate the other
• Make the other feel bad about her-/himself
• Ridicule or call names
• Dictate how the other dresses
• Do not make time for each other
• Criticize the other's friends
• Are afraid of the other's temper
• Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
• Ignore each other when one is speaking
• Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
• Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
• Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
• Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
• Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
• Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving

The Obstruction

In times of great transition, I often turn to the I Ching, a tradition passed down to me by my father. I bought my own Book of Changes in my early 20's and have logged each and every roll of the coins that has been done since, even for my friends. When you roll the coins, you usually end up with two numbers, your main number which gives you the passage to look up which describes the heart of your situation, and the changing lines number, which shows one possible future. It's amazing to look through the history of my "logs" and cross-reference whether a particular number has ever come up before, and to note the date, and recall what might have been going on in my life at that particular time.

This past 6 months has been one of the most difficult stretches of my life, and I'm more than a little ashamed to say, that I didn't weather the storms like a strong oak, rooted in the strength that many perceive that I possess. Instead, I bent and broke and spiraled into a very dark place a more than a few moments of true life or death crisis. Thankfully, I was able to get help, and am here to today to write about it, and to somehow forgive myself (hopefully) for not having the fortitude that I should.

When I found myself turning to the I Ching last September, as everything in my life seemed to be crashing down around me, I rolled a 39 with no changing lines, which represents a fixed situation. This hexagram is called Obstruction, and is represented by "a dangerous abyss lying before us, and a steep inaccessible mountain rising behind us. We are surrounded by obstacles." As I read further, it was clear that I had many personal obstacles that I needed to focus on overcoming. Because the obstacles are represented by things that do not move (a mountain and an abyss), a hint lies in how to overcome these obstacles. Change and movement are necessary. One must travel around the obstacles.

Some time passed, I had broken up with The Nurse in October, moved out of our shared apartment, gotten into therapy, and set about trying to conquer my inner obstacles. But as I took two steps forward, I took one step back. Healthy boundaries remained an issue in my relationships. I was still not rooted, the next storm would surely blow me away. In January, I turned to the I Ching again, and to my shock, I rolled a 39 again.
I scanned the log — this had never happened before, two exact rolls in sequence. "The Obstruction" remained.

Would I ever get around the mountain that lay before me? Cross the abyss? Did I even have the courage to try? I knew that I had to start being true to myself, to have the courage to let go and to start over again. That I am worthy of love, of family, of belonging. That someone will understand me. And that I am strong enough to stand on my own, and be a "strong oak."

On March 5, I turned again to the I Ching, and at last, I had a new passage, this time with changing lines. The first passage was 15, Modesty, which speaks of the qualities of inner strength and how that shines forth in people of strong character. The changing lines was 31, Wooing and speaks of attraction and the difference between seduction and courtship -- something that struck me as particularly poignant. I was longing for what I had lost: love, partnership, family.

The only words I can think of to close this blog are the lyrics of, Amazing Grace,....was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see.....

How To Be Alone

Happy Friday everyone! It's bitter cold in Chicago and hibernation seems to be on my mind. I've found myself spending more and more time alone — something I've resisted fiercely as a natural extrovert, but am now learning to lean into, if not embrace. And I simply adore this video. It may even help me turn me into a reformed extrovert. Or an introvert? Enjoy!

Spirit clock

Spiritual lessons come in their own time. Hard lessons and hard-fought battles, internal an external, cannot be rushed through. So has been the course of my life at it's greatest times of transition and growth. Like a great wheel, the spirit clock moves slowly but carefully, forcing me to feel things I'd rather not, forcing me to into darkness and painful places that need examining and reexamining. The spirit clock winds around familiar bends, familiar sorrows that also remind me of how I survived, how the paths were once made clear. Bitterness tempts me, but hope prevails.
Remembering, first, while so much growth is internal — must be felt so deeply and personally — I am never alone. There are other along my way that who will share bits of compassion and who will challenge me further and who will push me to choose what stays and what goes. Growth does not come with out letting go of so many things — death is the door we cannot avoid but must embrace if we are to find new life.
I see with new but familiar eyes, where the clock now rests. With an open heart, I re-ask the questions and re-pray prayers I thought were once answered, with a faith undeterred. Love is everywhere.

Legacy

Dear Cardinal George,
While you may be intent on punishing women who are called to the priesthood — do you realize that our little church in Chicago has had more women ordained than from any other Catholic church in the world?
This is the legacy, Cardinal George, that you are faced with — the chickens coming home to roost if you will. The Lord does work in mysterious ways! When you ordered Delle Chatman to stop talking about being called to ordination, and when the healthcare of a woman dying of cancer — that the Spirit would catch fire in our little church! Can you believe that little St. Gertrude's parish in Chicago has had so many women called? That we are surrounded in holiness? It's truly amazing to be a part of, to witness!

After Katy Zastick, Alta Jacko and Barbara Zeman were ordained through Roman Catholic Womenpriests, you knew you had to make an example of Janine Denomme — by denying her a funeral Mass. I mean, FOUR women called to ordination in a year — what if the POPE finds out what's going on at St. Gertrude's! Heads would surely roll!

But what can you do? I mean, the facts are the facts — the Spirit has got hold of the women of St. Gertrude's — and is having Her way with them! And not even the Pope can stop that....

The Cornerstone

The stone which the builders rejected has become the cornerstone. Psalms 118:22

I awoke with a gasp this morning. It has less than 24 hours since learning of the death of my dear friend Janine Denomme, but I was startled to hear her story on NPR as my alarm clock went off this morning. Since learning last week about our church's refusal to grant her a proper Mass of the Resurrection, due to her ordination into the Catholic priesthood last month — I have had to put my anger aside to grieve for my ailing friend, and to honor her wishes that her funeral not become a political rally. But now that the story is out there, I feel that it is okay to write about it in a public forum.

To be clear, I do not blame our parish priest at St. Gertrude. He has been clearly anguished by the decision of the hierarchy — the turning away from all the Christ asks of us, the refusal to show mercy or kindness to a dying woman who has been an exemplary Christian. Fr. Dom is a kind and loving priest, and my heart truly aches for him as well.

Our church buries criminals, pedophiles, all manner of sinners — and we count on God to do the judging. Unless you're a woman who has faced down the all-boys club. That simply cannot be tolerated! You must pay!

The sad part here is, there is really nothing they can do to "punish" Janine, because they cannot lay claim to the "church," only the walls that they own, and the male priest that they can order about. Janine will, in fact, have a Mass of the Resurrection. And it will, in fact, be full of her "church." Janine will remain a priest in the kingdom of God for eternity.

Janine was keenly aware of her choice — and all the possibilities and consequences of civil disobedience. It is activism like this — and sometimes it's painful consequences (for all of us) that brings about change. I admire Janine so much for her lifelong commitment and amazing bravery and courage in the face of such obstacles. As Archbishop Oscar Romero once said, "we are workers, not master builders. We are prophets of future not our own." Janine knew that change, particularly in a structure as archaic as our church, would come slowly — yet she persisted. Janine could not not be Catholic!

And here's the thing: We're not leaving Our Church! So listen up, Cardinal George! We'll be banging on you're door soon about this atrocity. Bishop Kane — don't think you're getting off the hook on this one — you're cruelty will not be forgotten or go unanswered by THIS Catholic girl! You've got some 'splainin to do! And after we lay our dear friend to rest, you can expect to be hearing from me and others. Count on it.

Holy Week -- the unchanging circle?

We're at the beginning of Holy Week, and I'm asking myself, what has changed?
Maureen Dowd's OpEd has some interesting ideas about the sex scandals that continue to rock the church.
I am once again gearing up to attend an Ordination. Mum's the word on that for now.
Oh, my 20-year high school reunion is next month! Thanks to good Irish genes, I still look 28.
I got a new puppy! The Nurse and I rescued a pup from a shelter on Palm Sunday. We're naming her Olive, and we're getting busy with falling in love. And house-breaking, of course.
And, finally, we're moving out of one apartment and into another on Holy Saturday -- all signs that point to Spring, and new life, and adventure on the horizon. Oh, and puppy slobber.