August 31, 2007

The diary incident

As promised, the diary incident: my tween daughter wrote an angry note in her diary and left if for me in the middle of the doorway. A trap had been set. I learned that she was quite adept at using expletives in their proper context, even if that content was in describing me. "Bitch." "Ugly." "Too fucking soon." Of course, she at first denied setting the trap, but last night admitted she set it there "to see if I would read it." So now she is using it as validation for her theory that I don't respect her privacy, can't be trusted, etc.

My daughter(s) are struggling with me being gay, and sometimes I don't know how to help them. It hurts that their friends are grossed out and that they might suffer being teased at what I'd always considered a diverse and accepting school. They have other classmates with gay parents, for crying out loud! But none who were in a hetero marriage just a few short years ago. My oldest daugter is blaming me for "ruining her entire life and all of her friendships." I am telling her that SHE isn't "grossed out" by my sexuality, and that she needs to take a leadership position with her friends. And that even if they are grossed out, it doens't necessarilly follow that they will treat her differently or sever her as their friend. Sigh. At least that is my hope.

Part of the reason it took me so long to come out, (and truth be told, I suspect there are tons of school parents who have NO idea about me) was my fear of my children having to suffer the torment middle-schoolers seem particularly adept at cruely dishing out. I wouldn't go back to those days myself for all the money in the world.

And I'm missing the little girl who loved her mommy unconditionally, and wasn't embarassed and angry at me. I'm sure this is my own karma being worked out....

2 comments:

vegan.mama said...

We talked about Harville Hendrix in a different context earlier today, but his book about parenting is relevant here. He says that the times when we are most flummoxed by are children are ones in which they are triggering the points that were most difficult for US as children. So this could be a learning - and healing - experience not only for her, but for you as well. The book is GIVING THE LOVE THAT HEALS.

Lisa said...

Take heart that she still loves you unconditionally, even if she doesn't always show it...