Stay awake!

I woke up this Holy Thursday in tears, with an overwhelming feeling of betrayal — how fitting right? Is that how Jesus felt when his well-intentioned friends slept away the night while he agonized at his fate ahead? But he knew they couldn't help themselves, they were just....weak. And I know that the people that hurt me don't mean to either...I just can't help but take certain things personally, even if they weren't intended that way. Jesus still partnered with someone who he knew would deny him again and again. I don't know if my skin is thick enough to continually face that kind of rejection — while I see that this is what we do to each other, without even knowing it. And yet, that is what we are called to do. Something to meditate on for me today.

Cave-dwelling

The past week the spiritual darkness has increased. I have gone into a cave of fear and voices that call on me to isolate myself from people and from God. Instead of resisting it, I'm leaning in to it, which may or may not be the right thing to do. I'm being gentle with my own frailty here, and staying prayerful. I know that everything happens for a reason. This too shall pass...

On a lighter note, I was able to catch the relic of St. Mary of Magdalene while it was on tour through my state. I wasn't expecting much — but was quite overcome — both by the oddity of it, the reverence of the faithful kneeling and touching the relic's case, and the sudden swelling of emotion that rose within me as I came to stand before my patron saint. After praying before her relic, both for myself and for my wounded church — particularly for the lost voices of women as we prepare to choose a new Pope this month — I stopped at the table where a woman was selling merchandise related to the saint and my eyes fell on a medal that had a fleur de lis as part of the decoration, and I knew it was meant to be.

May Mary, together with the Holy Spirit, breathe fresh air into the conclave of men in Rome who will lead a faithful flock of millions.

It's tempting....

Two weeks into Lent, and it's tempting to start complaining. I'm going to blame that on the nasty sinus headache that is plaguing me today. So, this Lent, I decided to go hardcore — giving up all meat (and fish), dairy products, and alcohol. Essentially, I'm eating a Vegan diet, with the exception of honey.

I cannot say that I have miraculously dropped 5 or 10 pounds, or resolved mysterious health problems, or seen really any benefit. Sorry Vegan mafia! But I'm not doing this for ethical Vegan reasons, or even health reasons....purely spiritual.

And that too has been hard to get into for me this Lent. With the major dietary challenges, I have been super focused on the physical needs and not spending nearly enough time on spiritual devotions and practices. Feeling so physically fatigued and consumed with meal-planning and somewhat obsessed with grocery shopping. Yes, I am in prayer daily, but it is unfocused. Perhaps I should add a daily rosary, or a weekly Taize. I intend to get to a group faith sharing meeting, but haven't had the time yet, with an overwhelming schedule.

Overwhelmed. That is what I have felt. Physically and emotionally overwhelmed and unable to tap into the spiritual discipline that is so needed. It is only week two, so I'm hoping that I will get where I need to go as I labor in the desert. But I am in the thick of it, in the struggle. And I'm off in search of some Tylenol for this damned headache.

Past the Mission

Taking the time to focus in prayer on some of the things that I needed to turn to in the last few months has born much fruit. As I find myself called into deeper and deeper prayer and sacrifice, I also find myself much more spiritually "in tune" and able to hear more clearly when I am called to take a particular action or prayer path. I can see how all of this has brought some positive changes to my family, to my children especially, and to my all of my relationships.

I've been struggling recently with the growing animosity from the Catholic Church toward the LGBT community as the Marriage Equality debate heats up, particularly as it comes closer to a reality in my home state. And yet I remain firmly "Catholic" and look forward with zealous passion to Holy Week, because I know that what is important is not any of the politics of the flawed men who are trying to run things. The Spirit moves as it will. I'm hoping that the church will see a greater uprising from within it's own ranks, and not just from the laity, but from the priests. The time has come for faithful disobedience. I can feel myself being pulled more and more away from the church, which tells me that I probably need to dig my heels in a little more.

But what I really want to talk about? It's been about 6 months now since I've consciously given up something: all symbols of goddess worship, including tarot card reading. I haven't talked to many of my friends about this out of fear that I would be judged or misunderstood. I'm still sure that would be the case. In the past six months, I've thought a lot about the decision — which I made strictly out of a call to obedience that came over me — without fully agreeing or understanding it. In that time, I've come to some acceptance about my decision, and some peace. I don't think that I could ever fully explain it in a blog post in succinct way, but the best way I could explain it to someone? For me, those things open a doorway from which I cannot control who enters, and I have learned that I was not a good judge at discerning who had entered my spiritual rooms. Closing those doorways for me has come in the form of obedience, repentance, and daily prayer. And in that process, I have been called to even deeper levels of contemplation, and more and more is being revealed to me, particularly through scripture. I am also learning, slowly, how to better discern from whom the revelations come, by asking the right questions. I'm hoping that eventually, I will better understand what my spiritual gift(s) may be, and how to access them, but I'm not there yet.

Now, I have not given up my belief that God transcends gender, and that there is a feminine principle within our Creator that must be honored — and that a HUGE part of what has caused the corruption within our church is the subjugation of all that is divinely feminine. I still truly believe that this was why I was called back into the Roman Catholic Church — to help in my part to guide her back to recognize the feminine face of God. God and I will still be in talks about that mission, if it still exists for me, and how it might take shape.

Into the Mystic

As I wrote about last month, I've found myself in a bit of spiritual 'time out' of sorts, while I figure some things out. A time of silent contemplation that was greatly needed, especially when having fallen off of the narrow path.As a spiritual pilgrim, I have long believed that there are many roads that lead to truth, and some wander. Along the divergent path, much can be gained, for the wise traveler. Along this road, I've spent ample time in prayer, in quiet contemplation and meditation, and encountered other travelers upon my journey that have helped point me in the right direction. I've been blessed with vivid dreams and messages from soul-sisters and seekers who have an "in" with the Big Man upstairs. I've kept my eyes open -- to wonder, to divine chaos, to the majestic messages that our Creator embeds in our everyday experiences as sacred seeds, preciously sorted and collected for planting in the right season.

Many things have been revealed to me, one of which is,  I cannot escape the mystical yearnings of my soul -- which in its essence, is a yearning for oneness with the Divine Mystery. And because I strive to see sacredness around me at all times, it is my nature as a mystic pilgrim to create ritual out of the everyday -- to make sacred what is profane. By constant prayer, meditation, intention, blessings, and sacrament -- my gaze is at once heavenward and set upon the earth.

Alas, there is little room in our culture for Christian mystics. In all of the most important ways, this is a secret journey, even if it is one I am not on alone. One must be careful not to cast one's pearls before swine. Not fit for a Facebook status update, I'm thinking. But I'm blessed to have a communion of mystic saints to turn to for companionship and guidance. And I have come to recognize a few fellow travelers on the path, and am grateful for their fellowship.

Walking this path is a counter-cultural and risky move in some regards. Yet, it beckons. I can't promise I won't fall and fall again, but I've got my walkin shoes ready.

Identity crisis

How do we know who we really are? By what criteria do we define our lives? Are we a collection of our past experiences and our current mindset and our future dreams and goals? And to what degree does that delicate balance determine our fate? If we dwell too much in the past, can it fix our present course on an unchanging road? How much do we let go of, and how much do we hold on to? And to what degree do these things define our identity? Is our identity our experiences at all? Or is it something else entirely, outside of our feelings and history? If we cling too hard to experiences that define us, do we limit our own ability to change? To grow? To love? Who are we, really?

Ordinary time

"The more you fight against something, the more you draw it in." These words sit on my desk as a reminder, and yet I find myself in the struggle, in the fight. But I want to do something....not just sit. Not just wait. Just tell these voices inside the shut the hell up! But I'm not getting any answers now, it's just static on the line. I'm in a spiritual time out, some time alone in the corner to sort out my thoughts? I guess that is what is needed. So I'll do nothing at all and try not to fight it. The "path of least resistance," as the Buddhists say.
I've stopped everything now and given up all the gifts that I thought were divine. I no longer know what makes me special, though I thought I had known all this time. Maybe there is nothing. Maybe I am completely ordinary. Maybe my quest for the mystical and the signs I thought I saw were just illusions. I don't know anything anymore.

Unearthing the treasure

The path that my faith journey has taken has not been a straight one. A cradle-Catholic, I abandoned my church in my early teens and found myself drawn into the path of Wicca, at first attracted the the honest history of Christianity that it presented to me that my own nine years of Catholic school had hidden. The history of the sacraments, the history of the spread of Christianity, the power of the patriarchy. I have always maintained that "all gods are one god" while on my path, that my essential faith had never changed. I still believe that. But as I have circled back into the Catholic Church in the last decade, and have been called deeper and deeper into relationship with Christ, I am growing to understand that some pathways I have walked down open doorways that are not easily shut, and let in dark elements that linger.
I'm catching glimpses of things I've done, things I've held to, things that I need to confess and let go of in order to to some soul house-cleaning. I have started this process, and am feeling the pull to let go of things that I'm not quite ready to let go of. I have only to trust that somehow at the end of this process, there is a treasure that awaits me.

Bullet lists

I grabbed my journal a couple of days ago and shoved it into my purse. It wasn't begging for me to write something...but to review. And so today I finally re-read the past couple of months of entries and saw again the pain of the last year, and the healing journey. The very last entry I made was my prayer for love to come my way again in the coming year, and my "list" of what I wanted. AHhhhhh, you'd think I'd have learned my lesson of making lists and asking God to deliver me lovers in such a manner! Perhaps I had done a better job this time! My short list asked for:
• deep soul-connection
• passion
• equal partnership - healthy balance
• fearlessness

A great list, if I do say so myself. Sure beats my list of basic requirements that I'd come up with in high school with my best girlfriend:
• had to have a home
• had to have a phone
• no hard drug use
• reasonably close to my age

Also good, but this new list is certainly more refined on speaks to needs on a deeper level — a soul level. 

What makes for a good relationship? I've blogged and reflected about it before, and posted the list of characteristics of what constitutes "healthy" and "unhealthy" and seen my relationships wander down both paths. I'm always interested in hearing about what works for other people, so I think these sort of lists make good sense. What would be on your list?

As for my list, I am realizing that these are not just characteristics that I am desiring in another person, but also ones that I want to nurture in myself: they are all a mutual sharing on every level that can be shared, with the essential ingredient being fearlessness. It's takes courage to share every aspect of yourself with another in the deep levels I'm talking about, that I'm dreaming of. My prayers will be focused on overcoming my own fears and continually surrendering, trusting. God is with me on this journey...I am never alone, and I am so freaking blessed that I don't even have the words of gratitude to express. I am continually humbled by God's good gifts that are showered upon me. Amen.

Shake the Dust....

And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet. Matthew 10:14

I was served up a lesson this week that I really needed and it's taken me a couple of days to digest. What I am entering into now with my writing, and also on my own spiritual front, will make me very vulnerable in places that that I need to be more prepared to protect. And I need to be prepared to "shake the dust" from my feet and walk away from the people who just don't get it instead of reacting defensively. I have to have faith that God will do his/her own work within them, and that my role will be elsewhere. I am but a seed in the garden.

Some spiritual armor is helpful here, when encountering people who are not open to your message, or people who do not have your highest good in mind. I'm learning slowly how to arm myself, with a deeper surrendering and opening to God, increased confessions of my own past wrongs, and penance through good works. I'm also feeling a deeper calling to focus on forgiveness. As I get closer to true forgiveness of those that have hurt me, I know that I am closer to true freedom and true salvation -- and the dust shaking can really begin.

Momentum

So back in January, I wrote about some creative pursuits that I was looking at. And then I sort of let it go for awhile, because I wasn't sure about how to write about religion, spirituality, faith and where they intersect with politics for the audience I was hoping to reach — the LGBT community. Was I even really qualified? Doubt had set in. But in the last couple of weeks, I took the leap of faith that I needed to, and made it happen. In the next week or so, my new blogging project will begin, and I'm really excited to be able to finally reach the larger audience with the messages that I've wanted to, thanks to teaming up with a well known website in the Chicago area. More on that to come, after the official launch. I know that Delle will guide me and encourage me, as she always did, in my writing. I'm only somewhat prepared for the fallout that may come my way as result of such writings — but as I witnessed with Delle, I know the consequences of speaking out politically against the RCC. I will have to give quite a bit of thought to my words and their consequences before having them published, from here on out. But this is what I've been moving towards for quite some time, so though I will move cautiously, I will move forward. The momentum is with me now. May my conscience continue to be formed in the Light of Christ, as I speak truth to power.

Melancholy Movie

Still can't shake the bad dream I woke up from last night...but I'm hoping more coffee will chase it away. Ah, just when you think you're feeling emotionally strong, throw in some PMS and whammy, you can lose your bearings again. Yes, lets blame PMS. Or the sad movie I watched yesterday: Requiem for a Dream. Intense on many levels and struck a nerve. I've known too many additcts, lost friends, had to walk away from too many people in the grips of the demon of addiction. As for my own little demon? Turns out, it's intention is to make me feel isolated... alone...even in the midst of so much love and grace. I'm still trying to shake the feeling that I woke up with this morning, let go of the voice in my head telling me that I'm all alone, because I know on every rational level that it's not the truth. I have a life full of people who care about me and love me, and I am never alone. It must have been that movie, dammit. Damn that Ellen Burstyn. She really got to me. Sigh.

Free

I'm getting a sense of the path that is opening up in front of me. It's still sort of unclear, but I know that I'm being called into a deeper spirituality, a deeper communion, and to let go of things that hold me back — even things that I think I've already dealt with but are lingering. This has been the year of letting go, of battling demons. I'm getting the sense that that there is some big work for me on the horizon, and a major spiritual hurdle to jump.
The thought of being free, that it is possible, is a blissful one. I have known evil and and worked hard on protecting myself...but to be completely free? Is that possible?

I Love Cheeses

Getting to know each other, I mentioned my love of cheese. "I could give up meat before I could give up cheese," I proclaimed. 
"So, you love cheeses."

The Soldiergirl wants to know what my relationship with Jesus is. I thought, surely the explicit answer lies within the pages of this blog, five years of spiritual exploration. Surely my relationship with Jesus is evident here. But maybe I've also never really tried to answer it as a question. I think as Catholics, we're not entirely comfortable with expressing our faith to others. It's just so personal. So, I found myself at a loss for words, on a topic that I thought might be easier for me to express, given that I feel in touch with my spirituality.

So...Jesus. All of the obvious theological answers apply here: Only Son of God, Redeemer, died for our sins, will come again in glory, etc... I don't think this needs a lot of explanation. I'm pretty in line with the teachings of the Catholic Church on who Jesus is.

As to my personal relationship with Jesus: I guess I'd start by saying that I've always had a little difficulty in separating my relationship with all of the members of the Trinity and that they sometimes blur together when I'm in prayer. I feel a sense of God as Mother/Father, as Jesus, and as Spirit. Jesus, primarily, is the teacher and example that I am to model my life after, as exemplified in the Gospels: the living word of God sent for all humanity as the perfect example of God's love. Jesus is present to me in the Eucharist, and through that sacrifice, which I take into my physical body, all barriers are destroyed.

I pray daily, and one of the prayers goes like this: "Lord Jesus Christ, only Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner." It is repeated continually, "ceaselessly" throughout my day, when I can. Jesus is the great healer of my life, who has heard and responded to my desperate cries. Jesus is our God who shares in all of our own suffering and knows it intimately, to the points of betrayal, death, and beyond. Jesus is the author of my conscience.


Jesus first came to me in reoccurring dreams when I was just six years old. We dined at the Last Supper together, his hands extending toward me, welcoming me to the table. I had this vivid dream many times, between the ages of 6-9. And at my First Communion, my classmates joked that I was turning into a "mystic saint" as I had to be carried outside just before we received communion, having fainted after my visions of gold light filling the entire church.

I don't know what all of those things mean, and I haven't thought of them in years. I haven't told virtually anyone about those experiences, and five years into writing about my spiritual life, I'm literally shocked that I've never blogged about my own mystical experiences. I'll have to go back and double check this fact, because I'm incredulous. I just know that today, I'm feeling like it's coming up for a reason and I'm meant to reexamine those experiences again. There is something about it all that scares me...

Church date

So, I went to church on Sunday with the Soldiergirl. Evangelical church! Of course I had my preconceived notions about what that might look like, but I did my best to lay it all down and walk through the door with an open heart. Right away I felt a welcoming presence, both in the place itself and in the warm welcome I received from probably a dozen or more congregants. The place literally oozed with joy. I could hear Delle's voice: "the hallmark of the Holy Spirit is tears," as twice during the service I felt them well up within me. I could see what the Soldiergirl loved about this spiritual home.

It's clear to me that our path seems to be going down a rather spiritual track together. I'm not sure where this is leading. I'm trying to keep an open mind, an open heart and let go of my expectations. It's sometimes hard, when insecurities come knocking. I've not been in any other relationship that started out this way...I'm covering completely new ground, and it's challenging me in ways that are really unexpected. I've never been completely comfortable with taking a trip without mapping out my course down to the last detail, so I'm finding that its a real challenge to be comfortable with what the destination will be. I'm being challenged to give up my illusion of control, to step out a little more in faith and trust that whatever happens, it will be exactly what is meant to happen. Balancing hope against expectation, and trust against control, and waiting for signs along the road, to show us where the path is leading.

The heart of love is trust

So the Soldiergirl looked across the table as I sipped my beer and ate my sandwich and asked me if I'd jump out of a plane with her. Panic. My heart raced. She began to talk about the free fall and I could feel my pulse escalating. I confessed that it was my biggest fear — but also one I had hoped to confront at some point before I die. So, would I jump out of a freaking plane???? GULP.  I didn't say no, though even talking about it filled me with a sort of anxious dread.

I'm realizing something rather glorious about myself, something I've wondered in the past couple of years. I've wondered if my ability to trust was so damaged that I wasn't going to be able to have a mature relationship with anyone again. I'm realizing that healing is possible, and that my willingness to step out in faith, allow myself to be vulnerable with another person and trust them — is not broken. It's a fantastic feeling, to know that this essential ingredient remains within me. Without it, how could I ever hope to find real love and return the same? So, today I am grateful that through the healing work and prayer that I've done in the past year and by the grace of God through whom all things are possible, my brokenness is becoming more and more of a story of my journey toward wholeness.

And someday, I may even be capable of taking that big jump.

Checking In

I had such a great day yesterday. Really got to do a lot of thinking about my own emotions and what might be holding me back. My main concern is staying grounded while giving myself permission to also fall in love, if things should go that way. Staying true to myself while getting to know another person -- without taking on too much of the other person's interests or activities and unknowingly sacrificing my own, or letting my insecurities start to sabotage things before they even take flight. It was good to acknowledge that I've worked hard to get grounded and feel really solid in my own life, and don't want to fall into any sort of unhealthy pattern that could undue that, and that it will take some careful diligence on my part. My friends never could believe the hot mess I became in just a few short years of dating the Nurse...and I'll be damned if I'd allow that to ever happen again. And I have to take responsibility for it myself, because I know what I'm capable of and how easy it is to fall down a rabbit hole and get completely lost, even to myself. But when I look in the mirror today, I know who I am and what I want and I love the person who looks back at me. I don't ever want to lose that woman again. I deserve love...but the price cannot be the soul-debt that I have already paid. I've fought too hard to reclaim my life and get back on solid ground.
I believe that balance is possible, and I'm actually feeling that the pace so far is giving us a good chance to achieve it. It's going to be really important for me to strive every day for equilibrium and check in with myself — so that I can feel both secure in myself and ready to give love freely. I mean, I could have just summed this whole blog post up by quoting Rupal, right? "If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

Opening the book

It's all done...the Soldier did the thing that she needed to do to move forward with me...and as it turns out, that thing entailed a conversation with the Nurse. I hesitate to use the expression "bros before hos" because of where that leaves me in that scenario, but there is it. So, a conversation that I honestly want to know nothing about took place, and it apparently went well, and I no longer need to be anxious about it, which is a huge relief. Even if I don't completely understand it, I do admire and respect her integrity.

I want to follow where this path is leading me, with a fully open heart. It's scaring the hell out of me, because I'm feeling a lot and it's only been a week! I am grateful that she is forcing me — forcing us — to go slowly...because I could easily see myself spinning out of control. Instead I'm letting myself open up in ways that I haven't in a long long time and taking a little time to grapple with each emotion. Feeling things I haven't felt in...well, a very long time. Thinking thoughts that both excite and terrify me. I need to spend some time thinking about this fear that I'm feeling. I know it's because my heart is so vulnerable right now and I haven't allowed it to be to anyone, but she is cracking through. How is she doing that? I just know that I feel completely revealed in her gaze...like she can read my soul like a book.

Leap of faith

What a weekend this has been. Yet I feel like even in this safe space, I must restrain myself from writing too much about it, at this time. I can say without hesitation, I am falling for someone special. (Still trying to think of the perfect codename.) But it seems that there are certain ducks that must be aligned before everything can be right. We wouldn't be lesbians if there weren't some sort of drama!!! So, some things need to be taken care of. For someone to ask me to trust them so early in the game requires a big leap of faith, and I have to admit, I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about it. Once bitten, twice shy, as they say. While not wanting to project a bunch of expectations onto what could be a lovely beginning, it also scares me to subject it to what I consider a risky and tense test so early on. Here's where the trust and faith has to come in. She's reminded me that I have an Advocate who can help me with the fear, so I'm trying to "give it up to God," and say a few prayers about this situation when the anxiety strikes. Focusing on the present moment is the most helpful thing I can do for myself right now, and it brings me peace to just know that right now, at this moment, everything is exactly as it should be. Tonight she is cooking me dinner and I'm looking forward to even more time with the girl who is slowly stealing my heart. Did I just say that?

tattoo inspiration

So I had this intense moment of inspiration about my next tattoo. I really want a fleur de lis! I've got a whole story about this...I'm not sure I can put it all down in words yet, as it still seems to be emerging, but needless to say, the fleur de lis and I seem to have been on a journey for over two decades now and it's developed a lot of meaning for me. I'm going to keep mulling it over and thinking about how to express what exactly it has come to symbolize for me, so that I can share it. Some things are obvious things to share: Mary Magdelene, French/Alsatian heritage, prophetic dream I had, stained glass I made, signs and symbols...

I'm swooning about the start of the long holiday weekend. Really looking forward to spending more time with my new lady friend (codename: Sargent) who has quite thoroughly gotten under my skin in the best of ways. Beginnings are so lovely, and I'm savoring every delicious second.