November 17, 2007

Trying to be grateful

Yesterday turned out to be quite a sucky day. The Angel of Death swept over my office yesterday and I got laid-off, along with several others. The truth is, I've been wanting to leave for quite some time, but let me tell you, it's damn scary being a single-mom and not having anything lined up. They've given me till the new year to find employment elsewhere, so I'm scrambling to do what needs to be done: updating my resume, writing cover letters, sending out emails to other designer friends, and applying online for anything that fits my skills. Although at times I've found myself overwhelmed with despair in the last 24 hours, I also am sensing some peace that everything happens for a reason and that something really good may come of this. The truth is, my prospects are much better than those of several others in my office who got axed.
Today I'm gathering my energy, and recovering from the shock of all of my blood draining from my body as my boss uttered words like "inevitable changes" and "position eliminated." And when all that blood rushed all at once back into my head, I thought I might faint. I thought of Christmas gifts, of my children, of my girlfriend in nursing school. My boss asked me if I wanted to sit alone for a minute and "collect my thoughts," and I remember mumbling "no" as I stumbled for the door, immediately put on my sunglasses, logged off of my computer, grabbed my coat and headed for the door. I've been let go for financial reasons, but it still feels like a rejection.
I slept in this morning, and haven't moved from the couch accept to do a little work and grab a shower. T is working a 12 hour shift and the kids have gone to their father's house for the evening so it's quiet here. Usually I'd feel anxiety, preferring company to solitude, but right now I'm craving the silence and the peacefulness that comes as a respite from yesterday's anxiety.
I have time to find a job, which I'm thankful for. And I'm talented and qualified, which is a blessing. This really might just be the kick in the ass that I've been needing, so I'm trying to be grateful.

1 comment:

vegan.mama said...

I remember how I felt when I was laid off of my newspaper job -- it was about four days after 9/11, and I was in the *hospital* and my boss came to visit. I thought he was coming by to see how I was, but it turned out his purpose was to tell me I had until October 1st. And like you, I'd been planning on quitting anyhow, so it wasn't as bad as it COULD have been, and it wasn't because I was fucking up or anything, but I still remember feeling so rejected & not quite knowing what I was going to do.

I'm glad you have a chance to take time to yourself and decompress today. That feels really good sometimes -- not as avoidance or isolation or rejection of other people, but just a chance to restore yourself. As always... call if you need to. Hugs.